over and over again ;

Good evening Blog. How are you this evening? I am okay, if not a little upset. I'm just in one of those 'how do I stop being in love and why do I always end up like this' moods, so it's going to be another weird post. I miss Fabio. A lot. It kills me that he got over me so fast, like I was of no consequence. I should be used to it though I guess. It still hurts like hell, and it's been over a month now. I can't shake this feeling of failure. So much for that, huh?

I'm also sad because Marcel moved away to Calgary today. He'll be getting his personal apartment within the month though, and promised to buy me a round trip ticket ASAP so I can come visit him. I miss him though, he was good to me, it's disappointing that we didn't become really close friends until two months before he moved. We're going to write each other while we're apart though, so that's nice.

Justin is posted this month, for basic in Quebec. I still can't get over the fact that he joined the Forces. To be honest, I cried for three days straight and did not eat nor sleep when I found out. I cared for Justin more than anyone else because.. well, no need to explain, it would take forever. I honestly miss Justin more than I've missed anyone in my life. More than any boyfriend, more than my mother or father, more than any friend I've ever had. Our Damien Rice playlist is on. And "Wish you were here". I remember when he used to sing me to sleep with that one. He was the sweetest boy I've ever known. I don't think I ever really stopped loving him.. I just stopped showing it.

In other news, I'm being told I'm a bad person. Nice, huh? Well, maybe I am, who the hell knows. Apparently, everyone else does. I'm bad because I'm into drugs, drinking, and all that shit. So my good qualities apparently don't count any longer. Not the best feeling ever.

I'll also be filling out applications for University within the next few months. I'm kind of excited, but kind of sad to be leaving the city as well. I don't think I'm meant to be here though, as much as I wish I was.

Oh, by the way, I found out Alex is most likely playing me, just looking for a piece of ass. No surprise there, that's all men want. Yet, I don't stop seeing him. What the fuck is with me, right? I guess I really don't believe in people who care anymore. They're unreal; a nice dream and nothing more. I fill the empty space of this realisation with drugs and alcohol and sex. I'm lost and becoming myself all at once.. It's hard to explain.. But I've done some things I'm not proud of, and things I am and should not be. I'm a very complex person. I sometimes doubt I am real at all.

"One of the most devistating things in life is when someone gives up on you."

"When I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explaination was that I was meant for another world."

"Never say goodbye. Because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

"Im scared of everything. Im scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am. & most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."

"To Write Love On Her Arms."

"Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, nd then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see him again."

"I Love You is eight letters long. So is bullshit."

My heart swells; the tears spill over. I cannot continue this post right now.