i think of you from time to time ;

Ever get so stuck in memory you can't escape? Ever have one of those nights you can't sleep because you dream that the same shit is happening to you again, with someone new you let in? Isn't it terrifying? I hate that scenario, which is why I'm posting today. I'm stuck there again and I'm fighting to break out of it.

I hate days like this. Some days I just get so upset that I can't move on that I wish my March attempt had worked. How can I live my whole life like this? Is it going to get better? Am I always going to have to drug myself up to feel remotely normal? I hate all these questions. The worst part is that no one can possibly answer them. It's going to be a long night; I've been struggling to breath and keep my cool all day. My fingers are itching for a razor but I'm fighting back this time. But I'm coming a little undone tonight. Entering week four of being cut free. Let's hope it starts getting a little easier.

The things I keep thinking about are mostly my past relationships. The lies, the underminding, the neglect, the abuse. I think about all the time I've spent alone while my parents went at each other. I hate being alone. I feel like I've been living like this pretty much all my life. My life's so screwed up. And it's like I'm running out of places to run. I should be a track star the way I run from people and places; I'm always running. It's easier than getting hurt. But now I'm tired of running too. My options seem to be slimming.

All in all, this has been a really down day for me. It's hard to stay focused and relaxed. I need a friend right now and there's no one to go to at the moment. I can't be left alone or I might cave, which is usually how it happens, but there's no one here. It's hard to relax when you're as high strung as I've become. Anyway, more later, I'm going to try to do something else. My thoughts aren't even running in sync tonight, obviously.. Night.