Well, here I am again. Now in month number.. what, five or six of being Prozac free. I must say this has been the first length of time I've suffered from old feelings though. I'm confident it will go away, just the return of unwanted parents upsetting the reality I've managed to grip. This isn't unusual though, they always upset things. Let's start with that problem, shall we?
Mom showed up like.. three or four days ago out of the blue. She'd been missing all day, I was worried sick as were Billy and James. Then I get home from work and she's sitting on the couch like nothing happened! Natalee had even called the police, she was so worried. Pissed. Anyway, her only explaination was that they'd had a fight, so she snuck out in the morning. No clothes, nothing. She was all about working up the pity and being rude to Donald, worried about Nan. Nan seemed to handle the situation well though. She cried silently off and on beside me on the couch, which completely disgusts me after all we've been through together. I couldn't even sit there, I had to leave the house. She's still here, too. Not sure when she's leaving, but I pray it's soon. We don't get along. I can't stand being with her and now she wants to get an apartment with me! I don't think I could do it.. unless it ment being closer to Kori.. that's the only reason I'd go with her. And as soon as I landed a decent job, I'd move out. I can't live with her again.. I can't go through that unstable environment again, I'll just go back to being sick and I can't live like that or let Kori have to deal with me being like that. It'd only drive him away, anyway.
So then Dad drove me to Fredericton this weekend to stay with Kori. The whole drive he yelled at me; Dad doesn't yell. Never, ever did. Then out of no where there it was like a fucking punch to the gut. It took all I had not to start screaming and punching him out. He went on the usual tangent; it's all my fault, Michelle "doesn't hate me" (bullshit) and all these lies the kids were telling about me. Fuck them.. none of them know me. Not even Da. He likes to think he knows who I am, but he has no fucking clue. I don't think anyone knows my true character, but he's definitely least qualified to make that call. Anyway, he yelled the whole drive telling me not to be such a bitch about them and blah blah blah. Everything I've heard before, but with more venom and sting. His words hit me hard. They've never done that before. He's not my father.
The weekend was rather marred by these events but I tried to keep it cheery for Kori; he doesn't like to see me upset. I think he might be the kind of person that doesn't know how to handle someone elses feelings well.. he needs a rock so that's what I try to be. It's hard though, I'm used to being the one handled, not handling. Not that I mind though, I'm happy to give him all he needs. I'm just a little worried, that's all. I don't want to have to go through one of these Fabio situations again where if I'm not happy I'm scorned or rejected. No one's happy all the time though! But for the weekends I shall now try to be.
For my birthday I didn't do anything. Kori was a dear though. He went out and got a candle and a blizzard and put up streamers for me. He really wanted me to have a good birthday, what a sweetheart. Billy and James came over too. James brought a cake and two coolers for me, BIlly and Kenzie brought me a lovely card with some money in it I later used to Chinese food. It was an okay night I guess. Not what I wanted for my eighteenth, but I was too upset to put on my "happy face".
So that's about it, I just felt the need to post; I'm still a little down. Good night for now.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
pray i don't face you ;
Howdy. Figured I'd best update again before the month is out. I actually just brought the mail in and got my application package for the distance education college I'm looking at but I wanted to update first so I can devote my full attention to it afterward. So, let's see, what news have I got?
Michelle and I are no longer friends. We had a big blow out wherein I told her I think she's a slut and I haven't held any affection for her in quite some time. She said the same to me and it was a huge shit show. I only wish I'd remembered she's got my digital camera before I said all this. Sigh. I don't think I'll ever see it again, she hasn't been responding to my demands to get it back. Ah well, we'll see where that goes.
Kori and I are doing well so far. It's more than obvious the boy cares for me more than I do for him at the moment, but I certainly do care for him a lot. We're getting along very well though, and I'm very happy with it. I'm cautiously optimistic, not putting all my ducks in one pond as it were. We shall see.. but I've got a good feeling about this one. He's not some weak minded, egotistical man. He's himself, with everyone. Not putting up a facade. He deserves a little love though, things haven't been easy for him.. I'm more than happy to be there for him!
Nan's doing well, about the same as last time I updated. Kathy's grampie is in the hospital though, they say he won't make it past the weekend at the latest. Rob's a mess, so's Michael.. it's heartwrenching. Michael was my best friend growing up, my closest confident. He never cried, now it's all he does.. poor boy..
I put in my resume on base in Gage. HOpefully I hear back fairly soon, I'm checking out apartments as well. Back to the beginning I go! Random, yes. Because of Kori? .. Not totally.. Just a perk, hehe. I miss it there though.. the small town feel, the friends, the tight community. I'd like to go back ASAP! Can't wait for school to be done.
That's about it I suppose. Oh, it's my birthday Saturday though. I was going to have a party but.. I think I'd rather just get a hotel in Shediac and spend it alone on the beach with Kori :) . I'll let you know how it all turns out soon, promise!! Peace.
Michelle and I are no longer friends. We had a big blow out wherein I told her I think she's a slut and I haven't held any affection for her in quite some time. She said the same to me and it was a huge shit show. I only wish I'd remembered she's got my digital camera before I said all this. Sigh. I don't think I'll ever see it again, she hasn't been responding to my demands to get it back. Ah well, we'll see where that goes.
Kori and I are doing well so far. It's more than obvious the boy cares for me more than I do for him at the moment, but I certainly do care for him a lot. We're getting along very well though, and I'm very happy with it. I'm cautiously optimistic, not putting all my ducks in one pond as it were. We shall see.. but I've got a good feeling about this one. He's not some weak minded, egotistical man. He's himself, with everyone. Not putting up a facade. He deserves a little love though, things haven't been easy for him.. I'm more than happy to be there for him!
Nan's doing well, about the same as last time I updated. Kathy's grampie is in the hospital though, they say he won't make it past the weekend at the latest. Rob's a mess, so's Michael.. it's heartwrenching. Michael was my best friend growing up, my closest confident. He never cried, now it's all he does.. poor boy..
I put in my resume on base in Gage. HOpefully I hear back fairly soon, I'm checking out apartments as well. Back to the beginning I go! Random, yes. Because of Kori? .. Not totally.. Just a perk, hehe. I miss it there though.. the small town feel, the friends, the tight community. I'd like to go back ASAP! Can't wait for school to be done.
That's about it I suppose. Oh, it's my birthday Saturday though. I was going to have a party but.. I think I'd rather just get a hotel in Shediac and spend it alone on the beach with Kori :) . I'll let you know how it all turns out soon, promise!! Peace.
Monday, May 10, 2010
so what the hell do we do now ;
Jesus Christ, I'm awful. I haven't posted in a month! Apologies, as there is a lot I've got to fill into this time lapse. I'll try to put things in order to paint a clearer picture of what's going on.
I had my NYC trip the first week of April and it was incredible! We saw all kinds of interesting people and places, probably the best trip I've ever taken. I hope to go back some day, there wasn't nearly enough time to see all the things we wanted to see. The best part of the trip was eating greasy take out pizza smack dab in the middle of Times Square! Right in front of where they drop the ball on New Years Eve! The night life there is nuts, I loved every minute of it!
Nan's been doing well too. She can go to the bathroom by herself now and can use the walker to get around fairly well. Unfortunately she cannot be left alone yet though, so since Brenda's back to work everyone's had to chip in to take turns staying with her. That's kind of tough on all of us but we're fairing alright so far.
I've got a boyfriend now too. His name's Kori and he's not like anyone I've ever met. He's just got one of those totally authentic characters, lovin' it! We've only been going out for a couple weeks, and only known each other about a month, but I'm crazy about him. It's like now that he's around I can't even see any one else. Things are looking very, very good. :D
The one downside I've discovered is Katrina. She's seemingly cutting me off and saying it's because Kori wouldn't want us talking even though I assured her he didn't care and I would talk to her regardless. Now, interestingly enough, Kori and Katrina used to be a "thing", as it were. Rather Kori cared for her while she either hid (with amazing skill) or never cared for him like he for her. So as I was just entering this relationships with him, shit kind of hit the fan because he found out she was playing him, I told him he could do better than her because of what I know of her history, and long story short he's pissed at her and she's seemingly indifferent/blaming me. Nice, right? It's a very stressful situation. He reassures me continuely he doesn't feel anything for her anymore but of course there's moderate worry in the back of my mind. I'm trying to be positive and give him the benefit of the doubt for now though. Keep your fingers crossed.
Michelle and I rarely associate anymore. She's been drinking and blazing it up ALL THE TIME the past two months and I couldn't take it anymore. It was getting to the point where she was passing out and letting the nearest guy feel her up and not giving a damn, but she should. It's too much of a loose lifestyle for even me to handle, and I'm generally very accepting. Sarah's been beginning to follow Michelle on this issue too so we've grown apart. I've become better friends with Krista though, so some good came of it.
In school news, I've joined the track team. Things have been going well and every week I run a little further. I'm registered in 100m, 200m, and shotput. The latter I've never tried but I think I'll be getting some lessons on it at this weeks practice.
Well I guess that's as real as things need to be made for now.. I'm having a bad day. I promise to post within the next two weeks with more news.
I had my NYC trip the first week of April and it was incredible! We saw all kinds of interesting people and places, probably the best trip I've ever taken. I hope to go back some day, there wasn't nearly enough time to see all the things we wanted to see. The best part of the trip was eating greasy take out pizza smack dab in the middle of Times Square! Right in front of where they drop the ball on New Years Eve! The night life there is nuts, I loved every minute of it!
Nan's been doing well too. She can go to the bathroom by herself now and can use the walker to get around fairly well. Unfortunately she cannot be left alone yet though, so since Brenda's back to work everyone's had to chip in to take turns staying with her. That's kind of tough on all of us but we're fairing alright so far.
I've got a boyfriend now too. His name's Kori and he's not like anyone I've ever met. He's just got one of those totally authentic characters, lovin' it! We've only been going out for a couple weeks, and only known each other about a month, but I'm crazy about him. It's like now that he's around I can't even see any one else. Things are looking very, very good. :D
The one downside I've discovered is Katrina. She's seemingly cutting me off and saying it's because Kori wouldn't want us talking even though I assured her he didn't care and I would talk to her regardless. Now, interestingly enough, Kori and Katrina used to be a "thing", as it were. Rather Kori cared for her while she either hid (with amazing skill) or never cared for him like he for her. So as I was just entering this relationships with him, shit kind of hit the fan because he found out she was playing him, I told him he could do better than her because of what I know of her history, and long story short he's pissed at her and she's seemingly indifferent/blaming me. Nice, right? It's a very stressful situation. He reassures me continuely he doesn't feel anything for her anymore but of course there's moderate worry in the back of my mind. I'm trying to be positive and give him the benefit of the doubt for now though. Keep your fingers crossed.
Michelle and I rarely associate anymore. She's been drinking and blazing it up ALL THE TIME the past two months and I couldn't take it anymore. It was getting to the point where she was passing out and letting the nearest guy feel her up and not giving a damn, but she should. It's too much of a loose lifestyle for even me to handle, and I'm generally very accepting. Sarah's been beginning to follow Michelle on this issue too so we've grown apart. I've become better friends with Krista though, so some good came of it.
In school news, I've joined the track team. Things have been going well and every week I run a little further. I'm registered in 100m, 200m, and shotput. The latter I've never tried but I think I'll be getting some lessons on it at this weeks practice.
Well I guess that's as real as things need to be made for now.. I'm having a bad day. I promise to post within the next two weeks with more news.
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