Well, here I am again. Now in month number.. what, five or six of being Prozac free. I must say this has been the first length of time I've suffered from old feelings though. I'm confident it will go away, just the return of unwanted parents upsetting the reality I've managed to grip. This isn't unusual though, they always upset things. Let's start with that problem, shall we?
Mom showed up like.. three or four days ago out of the blue. She'd been missing all day, I was worried sick as were Billy and James. Then I get home from work and she's sitting on the couch like nothing happened! Natalee had even called the police, she was so worried. Pissed. Anyway, her only explaination was that they'd had a fight, so she snuck out in the morning. No clothes, nothing. She was all about working up the pity and being rude to Donald, worried about Nan. Nan seemed to handle the situation well though. She cried silently off and on beside me on the couch, which completely disgusts me after all we've been through together. I couldn't even sit there, I had to leave the house. She's still here, too. Not sure when she's leaving, but I pray it's soon. We don't get along. I can't stand being with her and now she wants to get an apartment with me! I don't think I could do it.. unless it ment being closer to Kori.. that's the only reason I'd go with her. And as soon as I landed a decent job, I'd move out. I can't live with her again.. I can't go through that unstable environment again, I'll just go back to being sick and I can't live like that or let Kori have to deal with me being like that. It'd only drive him away, anyway.
So then Dad drove me to Fredericton this weekend to stay with Kori. The whole drive he yelled at me; Dad doesn't yell. Never, ever did. Then out of no where there it was like a fucking punch to the gut. It took all I had not to start screaming and punching him out. He went on the usual tangent; it's all my fault, Michelle "doesn't hate me" (bullshit) and all these lies the kids were telling about me. Fuck them.. none of them know me. Not even Da. He likes to think he knows who I am, but he has no fucking clue. I don't think anyone knows my true character, but he's definitely least qualified to make that call. Anyway, he yelled the whole drive telling me not to be such a bitch about them and blah blah blah. Everything I've heard before, but with more venom and sting. His words hit me hard. They've never done that before. He's not my father.
The weekend was rather marred by these events but I tried to keep it cheery for Kori; he doesn't like to see me upset. I think he might be the kind of person that doesn't know how to handle someone elses feelings well.. he needs a rock so that's what I try to be. It's hard though, I'm used to being the one handled, not handling. Not that I mind though, I'm happy to give him all he needs. I'm just a little worried, that's all. I don't want to have to go through one of these Fabio situations again where if I'm not happy I'm scorned or rejected. No one's happy all the time though! But for the weekends I shall now try to be.
For my birthday I didn't do anything. Kori was a dear though. He went out and got a candle and a blizzard and put up streamers for me. He really wanted me to have a good birthday, what a sweetheart. Billy and James came over too. James brought a cake and two coolers for me, BIlly and Kenzie brought me a lovely card with some money in it I later used to Chinese food. It was an okay night I guess. Not what I wanted for my eighteenth, but I was too upset to put on my "happy face".
So that's about it, I just felt the need to post; I'm still a little down. Good night for now.
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