i don't want this to be the end of us ;

I love this song dearly. It's called Weekend Apologies by Thriving Ivory, whom I adore.

"I don't wanna know what they said about what you did last night on the town when you had a little much to drink.
I promised myself I wouldn't catch you if I could; leave it on a grey ending and new beginning and hope it goes away.
She closes her eyes and says one more drink to ease the pain; just to get it off my mind.
And I apologize before I drink tonight.
It was about a year ago this time when things were lookin good.
Got caught in the moment and didn't look too far ahead; but it's not unusual for someone like myself to cross the line.
I caused so much fucked up shit; it was about a month ago it got a little out of hand."

Anyway, I'm doing sort of okay today. I I talked to Allie and made plans for Saturday night. We're gonnA go shopping after work then get ready at her place then hit the bars with Evan, Ryan, probably John. I don't know who's going for sure yet, but we're definitely going. It should be fun.

In relationship news, I know I can't let go of him. I love him too damn much and I don't want to lose the most important person in my life. We'll work through it. We're both too stubborn to give up. But my trust issues are welling up; when I'm hurt I need extreme amounts of reassurance, and I don't think he knows just how much I need. But I do. I'm a horrible girlfriend, aren't I? Ugh. I love Fabio so much, it would kill me to lose him. Of course I saw a copy of the military paper on the coffee table this morning, with an article on a dead soldier, and I went into panic mode again. It's a good thing he's worth the trouble. Most of the time. Except when he doesn't shower. Lil piggy. Anyway... I miss him a lot but I'm glad he gets to see his family, they seem pretty close knit. Gotta envy that, better than my bullshit family, kinda jealous, hehe. Well I just hope we can have a good time when he gets back. Maybe he'll call tonight; I hope so. I think he took it the wrong way yesterday when I told him not to call that evening, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk on the phone you know? Well that's about all my news, later Blog.

i wanted more than this ;

"My bones will break and my heart will give; oh it hurts to live.
I remember the day when you left for Santa Monica; you left me to remain with all your excuses for everything."

"Nothing's quite the same now; I just say your name now.
But it's not so bad; you're only the best I've ever had."

"That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to.
As I paced back and forth all this time as I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on; the days drag on.
Stupid girl; I should have known.
I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairytale.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down."

"I just can't win for losing; man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing, like I don't know now."

"It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you; it's the wrong time.
Leave me out with the waste; this is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you; it's the wrong time she's pullin' me through.
It's a small crime but I got no excuse."

"I bought those pills I thought I would need; I wrote a letter to my family.
I said it's not your fault; you've been good to me.
It's just lately I've been feelin' like I don't belong; like the grounds not mine to walk upon.
I sat watching a flower as it was withering; I was embarassed by its honesty.
I prefer to be remembered as a smiling face; not this fucking wreck that's taken it's place.
So please forgive what I have done; no you can't stay mad at the setting sun.
I mean we all get tired eventually; there's nothing left to do but sleep.
I gave myself a few more days; my salvation it came quite suddenly.
I'd like to make some changes; so when your eyes meet mine they won't see no lies; just love.
No lies, just love."

"I can tell everything's not fine; it's never alright.
I'm not as blind as you might think; you look a little unhappy about the way the world is turnin'."

"I guess I just got lost bein someone else; I tried to kill the pain but nothing ever helped.
I left myself behind; somewhere along the way.
Hopin' to come back and find myself someday.
Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay ; please would you one time let me be myself?
So i can shine with my own light; let me be myself."

"I'm just so fuckin' depressed; I can't seem to get outta this slump.
I took my bruises took my lumps; fell down and got right back up.
I know some shit's so hard to swallow but I can't just sit back and wallow."

"My mom loved Vallium and lots of drugs; that's why I'm on what I'm on; because I'm my mom.
Try witnessin' your mom poppin perscription pills at the kitchen table."

"Hey kid you'll never live this down.
You're just the girl all the boys wanna dance with; I'm just the boy that had too many chances."

"I never took you for a trick but sometimes I don't know what you want.
I can take this if you need to take it out on someone.
That little bitch with her head held so high.
I cutmyself so I can feel something I know is not a lie.
That one stings a little; but you'll always find me here.
There's a little bit of you in all of this; you know I hate myself without you now.
Hurts the same when nobody knows; and I won't say anything at all.
Anxious, scared of what you need.
Everyone needs a piece of you; everyone takes a piece of me."

"My weakness is that I care too much; but my scars remind me the past is real.
I'm drunk and I'm feelin down; I just wanna be alone."

"My worst fear came true."

"I can tell; here comes goodbye, here comes the last time."

"What hurts the most was being so close; having so much to say.
Never knowin what could have been; not seein that lovin you is what I was tryin to do."

"Silly boy; you had a good girl and didn't know how to treat her."

you can't be serious after what you just did ;

Blog, kill me.
I feel nothing but neglect, sorrow, and raw pain.
You ask me to forget but how do I begin?
When I close my eyes and all I see is you and her.
Did she lay beside you were I am now?
Did you wish I had a body like hers?

It hurts so very deeply. I love you and I don't want to lose you in any way, and I never want to hurt you. I just don't know how I can begin to get over this. If you we could spend more than two or three days together at a time I might begin to feel slightly better. Being alone does nothing for me. You're gone for the moment and though I know it's temporary, I'm at a point where I need constant and very strong reassurance and comfort. You cannot expect me to smile so brightly for the next few weeks, I cannot imagine a reason to smile like that right now. I can't stop crying. I can't concentrait at school, I can't eat, and sleep is a distant memory. I feel so broken and betrayed. I love you so much, I don't want to be without you now or ever. But I don't know if you're as serious about this as I am. About this situation. About us. I need that reassurance right now, I'm doubting everything. I know you were taught not to show emotion strongly, but that's something I really cherish and need. With me, I hope you will begin to show me your true emotions as strongly or as faintly as you feel. Please. I love you Fabio, I love you. Never again. Swear to me. Please.

because i'm never worth it ;

Dear Blog, Fabio fucked me over. Only took three months this time. I must be getting better at chasing people away. He went ahead and fucked another girl whilst drunk while I was being an idiot trusting him. Rule #1: Never trust a man again. Ever.

I don't know if I'll leave him or not. I can't really decide yet; I need more time to think. But I can't eat or sleep or do anything but think and picture him and some slut from a bar. It's tearing me up inside and there's nothing I can do about it.

Am I such a bad girlfriend that subconsciously all the men I date run from me, cheat on me? Jesus Christ. It hurts so bad, it's like I can't even breath anymore. The pain is too heavy. What do I do??? I don't know if I can ever trust him again now, any one for that matter. Any time I start to let myself relax and believe in someone, look what happens. I wish I had died. Goodbye.

you were fierce and i turned around and took it all ;

Know what one of the scariest things in the world is, Blog? It's similitude. The connection between two objects or two people that never seemed possible but is there none the less. That is frightening. Repetition. Mistakes. Misconceptions. What can be worst than repeating the most painful yet most beneficial experience in your life? Still worst than that is staring at it heading at you dead on and not sure weither to stand your ground or to run and hide. Similitude, my dear, is deadly. Also, when you are so understanding and knowledgeable about said frightening experience already, if you sit and think about it and begin to cultivate your thoughts on it, you know what the reaction or consequences will be. It's that sinking feeling in your stomach; it's the knowledge you wish you didn't have.

I don't think I can give men what they need or want. It never seems that way. I'm not a very good girlfriend, am I? I thought I was but when all my relationships start to get to the point where I back down and turn into a doormat, I begin to wonder how and why I keep ending back up here. Or maybe I'm just in an apathetic mood and have too much time on my hands. Seems viable, right?

In real news now, I broke my three month work in a minute of lowness on the bathroom floor. Though I did cut maybe with three strokes, I am proud to say I had the will power to stop myself and say no, no more. I can't do this, this isn't me any more. With that I placed down the knife and fixed myself up. That may not seem like a whole lot to you, but that's a big thing for me. I don't stop for anything. The fact that the thought of Fabio and my own feelings about myself stopped me is pretty damn significant. So I know it means something, even if it doesn't seem like it.

The problem with learning to live without cutting is this: Cutting is who I was and what I knew. I don't know how to be okay. I feel like my illnesses define me. So truthfully, I'm a little scared of getting better. Seems rather idiotic, but well.. that's how it is.

Okay so on a lighter note school is going rather well. And work is fantastic. I especially enjoy working with Allie, my twenty year old co worker. She's a doll! She lives uptown so I'm going over to her apartment after work Saturday and we're going to have some drinks and some people over; should be fun.

While the rest of my world is kind of tipsy right now, it helps having some structure back in my days; I crave structure. On a less light note about school, I see Will every-freaking-where and it's super tense every since he sent me this bitchin note on FB. But we just ignore each other, so it's gonna stay like that since he doesn't have the balls to tell me off in person.

Anyway, that's all for now, I just had a little bit of a pet peeve set me off so I'm going to go read or something. Hell's Kitchen is on in twenty minutes anyway :) . Okay, peacee.

she takes her dress off and says is this alright ;

- You do not speak to other men
- You do not make eye contact with other men
- You must act as if everything is alright
- You must be happy all day, every day
- You may not be with other men without me present
- You are expected to do nothing but be at my beck and call
- You must do what I say
- You have no choices when it comes to the bedroom
- You must take what I say without question
- You cannot do anything that I cannot do
- No means yes

WARNING: fragile human being dead ahead
WARNING: confused child huddled in the corner
WARNING: past and future abuser
WARNING: future alcoholic passed out on the floor
WARNING: unstable teenager
WARNING: horrified and deeply terrified individual

DANGER: she needs another drink
DANGER: she's thinking about the blade in her dresser
DANGER: she feels unloved
DANGER: she feels so very alone
DANGER: she cannot stand alone
DANGER: she does not know what she's doing
DANGER: she's losing control
DANGER: she's still carrying scars
DANGER: she's still trapped in memory
DANGER: she can't deal with it alone

im killin time, times killin me ;

If I don't get some sleep and cut down on the sadness asap, I'm jumping on the razor. I'm going out of my mind, I can't sleep or eat or concentrait at all. Maybe I need a good smash in the head. Ugh. I don't have anything to say here except I'm not well and I'm gritting my teeth but losing my will power. Bye.