you were fierce and i turned around and took it all ;

Know what one of the scariest things in the world is, Blog? It's similitude. The connection between two objects or two people that never seemed possible but is there none the less. That is frightening. Repetition. Mistakes. Misconceptions. What can be worst than repeating the most painful yet most beneficial experience in your life? Still worst than that is staring at it heading at you dead on and not sure weither to stand your ground or to run and hide. Similitude, my dear, is deadly. Also, when you are so understanding and knowledgeable about said frightening experience already, if you sit and think about it and begin to cultivate your thoughts on it, you know what the reaction or consequences will be. It's that sinking feeling in your stomach; it's the knowledge you wish you didn't have.

I don't think I can give men what they need or want. It never seems that way. I'm not a very good girlfriend, am I? I thought I was but when all my relationships start to get to the point where I back down and turn into a doormat, I begin to wonder how and why I keep ending back up here. Or maybe I'm just in an apathetic mood and have too much time on my hands. Seems viable, right?

In real news now, I broke my three month work in a minute of lowness on the bathroom floor. Though I did cut maybe with three strokes, I am proud to say I had the will power to stop myself and say no, no more. I can't do this, this isn't me any more. With that I placed down the knife and fixed myself up. That may not seem like a whole lot to you, but that's a big thing for me. I don't stop for anything. The fact that the thought of Fabio and my own feelings about myself stopped me is pretty damn significant. So I know it means something, even if it doesn't seem like it.

The problem with learning to live without cutting is this: Cutting is who I was and what I knew. I don't know how to be okay. I feel like my illnesses define me. So truthfully, I'm a little scared of getting better. Seems rather idiotic, but well.. that's how it is.

Okay so on a lighter note school is going rather well. And work is fantastic. I especially enjoy working with Allie, my twenty year old co worker. She's a doll! She lives uptown so I'm going over to her apartment after work Saturday and we're going to have some drinks and some people over; should be fun.

While the rest of my world is kind of tipsy right now, it helps having some structure back in my days; I crave structure. On a less light note about school, I see Will every-freaking-where and it's super tense every since he sent me this bitchin note on FB. But we just ignore each other, so it's gonna stay like that since he doesn't have the balls to tell me off in person.

Anyway, that's all for now, I just had a little bit of a pet peeve set me off so I'm going to go read or something. Hell's Kitchen is on in twenty minutes anyway :) . Okay, peacee.