daddy's with you in your prayers ;

Dear life,

Why do you have this sick compulsion to make my life a rollercoster through hell? Whenever I'm in a good mood, you send on the hurricane. After the last six years I am good and fed up with it, so you can fuck right off.

Go die,
Megan.


I don't believe people get punished for things that they do wrong, or even that things happen for a reason. This world is just one big chaotic ball of crap rolling around the universe trying to fling it's pathetic people from the lands. Everything happens at random. Nothing is meant to be.

I don't have a whole lot to say, I'm a little depressed lately. I am listening to Beatiful by Eminem, one of my favorites by him, it helps a wgole freaking lot. Take a listen and see you later.

you're the only place that feels like home ;

Quite an absence once again, huh? I know, I'm a terrible poster. All in all not a whole lot has happened though aside from the usual. Pregnancy scare is quite over, and all is well in that department. Hmm.. what else?

Oh yes, Fabio and I drove on down to Hali and saw my mom and Natalee last weekend. It was good aside from one minor fight between the couple which set my temper off. Hard to explain, I'm torn between so many emotions and my mom I couldn't tell Fabio why I was mad. It's one of those fragile things that still haunts me and I just can't seem to explain it. He was vexed but there wasn't anyway I could really tell him. Aside from that, I haven't been up to a whole lot. I did get a job though!

Coles Bookstore is now my new employer. I'm not exactly thrilled with having a job again but you have to do what you have to do, right? That's what they tell me anyway. Yesterday was my first day and it wasn't exactly what I expected. I stocked shelves all night with my two co-workers, Allie and Dwayne. They're pretty funny so it was at least an amusing three hours. I got nervous when people started coming up to me and asking questions but, thankfully, I was able to answer most of them.

I guess that's about it in news. Mood wise, I'm rather stable except for the few days I'll forget my pills, but I do try hard to remember. It's just such a hassle everyday and honestly it makes me feel kinda bad. Like I'm abnormal (which I already knew I was but not in this way, anyway). Not the greatest feeling. The score on my depression inventory is down though, from like a twenty nine to a seventeen i think, so it's a nice little jump for me. Means the forty is better than the twenty, by a whole freaking lot, but I think I might need a sixty. I'll have to ask the doctor about that. Not to mention about the bc pills. I would really rather get the four times yearly injection than take those damn pills, what a pain! Anyway, that's it for tonight, gotta get some sleep for work tomorrow. But before I go, here's a few little written pieces (just a note, I actually cried writing that last one.):

A CINQUAIN

"Lover,

Protection and Warmth.

Love, Feel, Smile.

Affection, Safety, Independence, Support.

Home."

A COUPLET

"Lose me not below the swells or on the stormy seas,

Lose me not on high tide or at the sirens tease.

I'm just a boy and I have not breathed for salty air,

Mother will be waiting and be late I shall not dare.

Save me please my weathered friends before I lose my strength,

I cannot swim this ocean for it's mighty length.

To Fiddler's Green my sodden soul will travel,

I can feel my short life beginning to unravel.

Away bright morning you bring no good news,

Mother learns of the son she had to lose.

Never more to rise again,

Lost to Fiddler's Green."

ELEGY

"I see tear filled oceans on muddy lands,

I see your sunken cheeks and your listless eyes that can cry no more,

You are robbed and beaten and defiled.

Your passing is only one of thousands a day,

Your body is dragged through mud then burned.

I often wonder who was with you when you could stand no more,
Were you alone in life and death or were you loved and finally freed?

Who grieved for you and cried and felt a piece of themselves die too?

I can see you in the filth of the streets,

Face down and passed by.

Your rags hang from your bony frame by what looks like threads.

Dirt is caked to your shaved scalp and vermin gnaw at your flesh.

Your fingernails are dark with blood and your hands are bruised and broken.

Your feet lay splayed open,

Swelled and black from work or snow.

I look away;

I cannot fathom this horror.

Yet I must turn back and stare and cry and wonder.

You could not have been much older than I.

A black and white photo of your naked body before the trains stares at me.

You seem to be baring your soul from within your eyes.

You do not understand.

I cannot understand.

Were we so different that you deserved to die?

Am I so different that I must continue living without you?

Perhaps we were the same person.

Did you read, did you love, did you sing?

I read, I love, I sing.

I do not know your name,

But I grieve for you,

I mourn the loss of your precious life.

You and I may have been the best of friends,

We may have been sisters.

We could have shared our love and laughter,

Our hopes and dreams.

I miss you unknown sister,

I remember you,

I love you."

"The girl sat on the edge of her mattress in the dark bedroom. The window beside the bed had the curtains pushed aside and the window pane was pushed up so the night air and city sounds could float in and sing her to sleep as they did most nights. Tonight, however, there was no sleep. Demons floated behind her eyes for only her to see and invisible claws tugged at her heart strings as she sat clutching the cold steel of the kitchen knife in her hand. Tonight was the night; there was nothing left to live for.

In the next room the gentle snores of her family came through the walls. In her mind she knew at a different time this would have unnerved her; made her stop and think about what she was doing. Tonight, though, the room was too black, the air too chilled, her heart too mangled to care anymore. All she could feel was the soothing cold of the steel knife and the cool breeze against her skin. She pressed the jagged teeth of the knife to her thigh and bit her lip, staring down at the already marked up flesh of her leg. The scars had never faded and were now about to be opened up again. Without giving herself any time for though, she dragged the knife hard across her flesh. For a moment it looked as if nothing but a long slit in her thigh was going to materialize. Suddenly a dark crimson bloomed from the wound. A heavy droplet ran down inner thigh to her leg then dripped quietly on to the hardwood floor. A slight sigh of relief was emitted from the girl; however, it was not nearly enough blood and pain to satisfy her.

Twenty more incisions followed the first until all the cuts formed together to make a deep gash extending along the inside of the girls youthful flesh. Heavy globs of dark blood now poured from her leg and pooled in a sick black tinted puddle on the floor. Finally she felt it was enough for the night. All her emotional pain had just been transferred to a manageable physical pain; that was always her solution. With a happy sigh, feeling she had accomplished something that night, she lay back on her bed and shut her eyes, delicate eyelashes brushing her skin as it was bathed in moonlight from the open window. Enough, for tonight anyway."

live to learn ;

Oh blog, why is life so complicated? I stopped taking my Prozac the week before last because I was feeling so good and low and behold I wound up wishing I could cut again this past weekend. The urge was incredible and I was hardly listening to anything but the ringing in my ears for days and days. I didn't even touch a razor though, thanks to Fabio, but I didn't exactly feel right either. My mood kept going from upbeat to temperamental and sobbing over and over. So though I loved being with Fabio on the weekend, my mood wasn't as good as usual. Thankfully he didn't see me in one of my fits though. Ah, one thing I have not spoken of; the cutting fit.

The cutting fit usually consists of screaming, hair tearing, tears, punching, slapping, kicking, and scratching my chest and stomach into shreds. It can usually be predicted when I'm going into one of these fits because my muscles usually begin to ache and my wrists and legs especially begin to turn and stretch; it feels like trying to crack your knuckles and not being able to accomplish it, that nagging feeling. I lose control of my own movement and more often than not I no longer realize what I'm doing. This generally occurs when the urge is as strong as it had been last weekend but I didn't fall into it this time. The first time ever I didn't go into one of those rages when I felt like giving up. So that's good. I'm back on my meds now too, and feel a little better.

In other news, poor Nan isn't doing well :( . This afternoon she got up from a nap and didn't know where she was or what day it was or anything. It broke my heart to look into her confused eyes. When Brenda came home later and asked Nan what happened this afternoon since I was hinting at it, she had to know, poor Nan started to cry. I think that was the first time I've ever seen my Nanny cry. Tears stung at my own eyes as I poured her a glass of water and she explained. It's sad to know her heart conditioning is worsening and she's losing a little more everyday. Heartbreaking to watch.

Aside from Nan and the moodiness I'm not feeling too bad, nor am I content either. I wouldn't say I'm numb or anything though, just kind of.. detached. One thing I always do when I'm not in my right state of mind; detach myself from people and situations. Not saying that's a bad thing though, I prefer this in-between mood to the alternative. Let's hope things look up soon and Nan feels better. Goodbye for now, blog.

you don't wanna fight me ;

Hello again! It's been a week since my last post so I suppose an update is in order. Let's see.. what's happened that I can share? Well let's start work our way from last weekend, shall we? The weekend went well for the most part. Fabio and I broke down and decided to get a hotel Friday night and were pretty much beat from a long day. We didn't arrive until three am, by the way, because we were off enjoying the day doing this and that. Saturday we cruised around for a while, ran into some trouble at the bank because Fabio mistook his own with drawls for someone elses (yes, this did make me pee a little from laughing too hard), we went the the beach, got some drinks, and went out to our usual haunt and started a little campfire. Once again we stupidly forgot bug spray and were attacked mercilessly so we decided to get another hotel. We cruised on over to McDick's then continued on the forty five minute drive to the hotel, arriving late again. Our night was okay and the next day was Sunday so we got ourselves packed up and then drove down home again. He stayed and I cooked supper for us then we simply relaxed for the evening. And thus ended a rather bumpy weekend.

Monday was a holiday so Brenda was home and I mostly stuck around bugging her. That evening my friend Michelle picked me up and we went for dinner at ESM with two friends, Krista and Sarah. After which we went skinny dipping. That was fun up until three jerks rode up on their dirt bikes and wanted us to flash them. They were stealing our clothes, including my digital camera and cell and Michelle's car keys, when I suddenly popped out of the water a short distance, holding my breast mind you, and they got to see as much as if i was wearing a tank top but they dropped our clothes and left, yelling back to us. We ran out of the water and got dressed as we could hear them coming back. They simply passed us hooting as we walked the trail back to the car. Then Sarah, who was driving, dropped Krista off at home. Afterward we pulled into a Timmies to us the rest room. Right before leaving we ran into Kyle and Alex, whom I had never met up until that point. So the five of us went driving in Alex's car, just having fun, going up to Goatman's, and just laughing with the old school tune's blaring. It was a great night.

The following day I went to Alex's house with Michelle. We were just sitting around talking and snacking and Kyle arrived. A few hours after joking around and investigating the stuffed ferret in Alex's basement we called up Alex's friend Andre. We picked him up in Alex's car then all went to Goatman's again, Andre cowering the back screaming about how scary and idiotic it was, and how Alex would be the first to die because he was driving. After that we lost Andre, picked up some lawn lights for something to do, then went hooker watching. They dropped me off around twelve and I promptly fell into a coma until twelve this afternoon. Last night was a blast!

This week has been a lot of fun so far aside from some minor drama and words getting twisted and mixed up by certain people. Anyway, that's what's up in life right now. It's getting kind of late though so I guess I better get to bed. Goodnight :) .