live to learn ;

Oh blog, why is life so complicated? I stopped taking my Prozac the week before last because I was feeling so good and low and behold I wound up wishing I could cut again this past weekend. The urge was incredible and I was hardly listening to anything but the ringing in my ears for days and days. I didn't even touch a razor though, thanks to Fabio, but I didn't exactly feel right either. My mood kept going from upbeat to temperamental and sobbing over and over. So though I loved being with Fabio on the weekend, my mood wasn't as good as usual. Thankfully he didn't see me in one of my fits though. Ah, one thing I have not spoken of; the cutting fit.

The cutting fit usually consists of screaming, hair tearing, tears, punching, slapping, kicking, and scratching my chest and stomach into shreds. It can usually be predicted when I'm going into one of these fits because my muscles usually begin to ache and my wrists and legs especially begin to turn and stretch; it feels like trying to crack your knuckles and not being able to accomplish it, that nagging feeling. I lose control of my own movement and more often than not I no longer realize what I'm doing. This generally occurs when the urge is as strong as it had been last weekend but I didn't fall into it this time. The first time ever I didn't go into one of those rages when I felt like giving up. So that's good. I'm back on my meds now too, and feel a little better.

In other news, poor Nan isn't doing well :( . This afternoon she got up from a nap and didn't know where she was or what day it was or anything. It broke my heart to look into her confused eyes. When Brenda came home later and asked Nan what happened this afternoon since I was hinting at it, she had to know, poor Nan started to cry. I think that was the first time I've ever seen my Nanny cry. Tears stung at my own eyes as I poured her a glass of water and she explained. It's sad to know her heart conditioning is worsening and she's losing a little more everyday. Heartbreaking to watch.

Aside from Nan and the moodiness I'm not feeling too bad, nor am I content either. I wouldn't say I'm numb or anything though, just kind of.. detached. One thing I always do when I'm not in my right state of mind; detach myself from people and situations. Not saying that's a bad thing though, I prefer this in-between mood to the alternative. Let's hope things look up soon and Nan feels better. Goodbye for now, blog.