you're so beautiful ;

So the Doctor didn't do anything at all! Sent me home with the exact same perscription. Bullshit! Alex is still treating me like dirt while pretending he isn't fucking around behind my back. So that is also bullshit. I did go visit James, Ashley, and the kids this weekend though and that was nice. I also visited with Tyler and Shannon, who is difficult as ever. Oh, and at James' we had a small get together with the Mexicans. That wasn't too bad, we had chili and exchanged gifts and cooed over the baby. James took me driving on the highway, and so did Dad, so that was good too! Marcel is coming back to NB, and god damn my luck but he won't leave me alone. He keeps going on about that night. I just want to forget it. Apparently, guys from jail don't know that no means no. Should have guessed that though.. Oh well, I've got Allie and Evan working on it with me so hopefully that will be solved. I guess that's about all that's new! I'm on XMas break by the way, and working today through Thursday, with XMas falling on Friday this year. More soon, promise!

you've said things you can't undo ;

So here's the deal. Medication has been useless the last four months. Apparently my body will not accept it any longer so I have to see the Doctor Monday. I've got an appointment for my next three tattoo's, all the week after XMas. I got my nose pierced. Work is fine. Boys are whores. I'm a slut. Marijiuana and alcohol are all I can depend on. It's over. I need them to fix this before it's too late. I feel like this is it, this is the moment, and that's scary as hell. Thanks for leaving me like this, I always knew I was too much for you to handle. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. I cared far too much and you cared far too little. You couldn't and wouldn't be willing to make the changes and committment I would for you. This is for the best. Words are not for the weak, and honesty is not for the faint hearted. I have known you to be neither of these things. I'm rambling. I need to light another blunt. Peace.

who will drive my soul ;

Good evening Blog. I'm doing fair this day, thought extremely exhausted. At present I'm decorating the house for Christmas with Brenda. I just wanted to do a quick post to get caught up. So here we go in point form so I can get back to work!

- Work this weekend.
- Out with Wayne Saturday, Allie's that night.
- Seeing Alex.
- Much school work.
- Cabaret with Wayne for my date.
- Work six days a week, school five days a week, with one day off from work a week that happens to fall on a school day (shoot me).

XOX

you mean everything to me ;

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it! There's quite a bit to report. Where to start.. Hm, well I suppose we'll start from this weekend and work backward. I'm hanging out with Wayne today after he's off work. He's my newest friend I met through Jen, as he is Mike's son. He's a good kid. Football team, police academy, all that good stuff. So this weekend all I did was veg and watch movies since I had the whole thing off- with the exception of Friday night. Brenda was gone for the weekend so I stayed home so nan wouldn't be alone.

Worked Friday and Thursday, got into it with Melody for being a bitch about SC. Wednesday went to a H.E.L.P (Housing Homeless Education Learning Party) conference and met some new people. Did service projects on the streets and at Romero House all afternoon. Very eye opening, I loved it. Met Jayme Hall (founder of Outflow) who is an incredible inspiration!!

Wednesday evening I got all dolled up and went to the theater with Alex. We attended Jekyll and Hyde and Kyle, Marie, Ruth, Mary, and Jake were all there as well! Oh, and Mr. Killin of course, hehe. Anyway, I fell in love with their take on the novel! Very original, it was a ball. Then Alex drove me home and that was that. Last weekend I got crazy high, fell into a hole with Sarah, ran from cops with a can of liquor in each hand, and partied. Oh, and saw the Santa Claus parade. That's about it. Just working and school aside from that.

Cabaret is coming up on December tenth. I think Alex and Wayne both want me to go with them so I'm not sure who to go with.. Oh well, we'll deal with that later I suppose. Oh, and I go back to the doctor's on the fourteenth. Oh, and Justin left for BASIC! today in Quebec. Slightly heartbroken, but hey, what are you gonna do. Oh well.. I also miss talking to Fabio, but he couldn't care less about that. So that's it I guess. Here's a written piece from a while back, enjoy. OH! And just about all my Christmas shopping is done, pumped!

"He never believed in people. The homeless lining the street in front of the Gucci store brought tears to his eyes. November rain pouring on the half frozen prostitutes desperate for a few bucks never failed to move his sympathy. In a world of six billion people, it is incredibly easy to be alone, to be desperate. He was no better than the mother in the alley trying to make enough for rent or the cocaine addict pouding the pavement for his next score.

He had completely lost faith. The human race was going no where, was nothing. Logically, this meant he was nothing as well. That did not come as new news to him. Since the age of twelve he had been screaming his lungs out yet had remained invisible to a world of six billion people. This was a God send. This was fate. This was right. So why now was he shouting out at injustice?"

He lay now with his chest violently ripped open, his hammering heart and pulsing muscles visible to him. The late December rain trickled down his cheeks and skin. The woman who had pulled the knife on him was long gone, along with his wallet. He did not feel the stabbing cold of the rain drops, nor the toughness of the cobblestones beneath his skull. He turned his head gently, shadows and the rain water played tricks on his eyes, but he made out the figure of his hand laying crumpled beside him. Slowly, painfully, he touched his finger tips together and rubbed. Crimson flowed freely over his palm and fingers from the defensive wounds he had won. He wondered vaguely if his hand was bleeding but could not focus his thoughts. He both felt and heard a scream begin to well up in his throat. Panic began to swell within him. He couldn't move, he had to get up, had to get home. His mother would be up and waiting, she would start to worry. This was wrong, so wrong. Life had been cruel to him, but he had to believe there was a way out, that there was something out there for him. He tried to cry out but only a flow of blood burst from his open lips. At this he began to wail. He screamed out for life. It was the one of the most raw and heartfelt cries to ever echo the streets of the small suburban town. Life, he wanted to live. He did not want to die. No one was coming, no one heard him. He did not want to die.

over and over again ;

Good evening Blog. How are you this evening? I am okay, if not a little upset. I'm just in one of those 'how do I stop being in love and why do I always end up like this' moods, so it's going to be another weird post. I miss Fabio. A lot. It kills me that he got over me so fast, like I was of no consequence. I should be used to it though I guess. It still hurts like hell, and it's been over a month now. I can't shake this feeling of failure. So much for that, huh?

I'm also sad because Marcel moved away to Calgary today. He'll be getting his personal apartment within the month though, and promised to buy me a round trip ticket ASAP so I can come visit him. I miss him though, he was good to me, it's disappointing that we didn't become really close friends until two months before he moved. We're going to write each other while we're apart though, so that's nice.

Justin is posted this month, for basic in Quebec. I still can't get over the fact that he joined the Forces. To be honest, I cried for three days straight and did not eat nor sleep when I found out. I cared for Justin more than anyone else because.. well, no need to explain, it would take forever. I honestly miss Justin more than I've missed anyone in my life. More than any boyfriend, more than my mother or father, more than any friend I've ever had. Our Damien Rice playlist is on. And "Wish you were here". I remember when he used to sing me to sleep with that one. He was the sweetest boy I've ever known. I don't think I ever really stopped loving him.. I just stopped showing it.

In other news, I'm being told I'm a bad person. Nice, huh? Well, maybe I am, who the hell knows. Apparently, everyone else does. I'm bad because I'm into drugs, drinking, and all that shit. So my good qualities apparently don't count any longer. Not the best feeling ever.

I'll also be filling out applications for University within the next few months. I'm kind of excited, but kind of sad to be leaving the city as well. I don't think I'm meant to be here though, as much as I wish I was.

Oh, by the way, I found out Alex is most likely playing me, just looking for a piece of ass. No surprise there, that's all men want. Yet, I don't stop seeing him. What the fuck is with me, right? I guess I really don't believe in people who care anymore. They're unreal; a nice dream and nothing more. I fill the empty space of this realisation with drugs and alcohol and sex. I'm lost and becoming myself all at once.. It's hard to explain.. But I've done some things I'm not proud of, and things I am and should not be. I'm a very complex person. I sometimes doubt I am real at all.

"One of the most devistating things in life is when someone gives up on you."

"When I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explaination was that I was meant for another world."

"Never say goodbye. Because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

"Im scared of everything. Im scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am. & most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."

"To Write Love On Her Arms."

"Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, nd then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see him again."

"I Love You is eight letters long. So is bullshit."

My heart swells; the tears spill over. I cannot continue this post right now.

oh darling, please believe me ;

Bonjour mes amies! Comment ca va? C'est tout bien ici. Hehe! It's all pretty good here, but I'm a little hung over. And still rather high. I got whaaaacked last night at some parties, so bear with me if I don't make sense today. So Friday I went out with Alex again, it was fun, we spent most of the night disecting Shakespeare. God he's intelligent! Then we moved onto the Beatles and politics and music. It was a good night. After some talking about more emotional things, he told me, and i quote, "I love you according to my bond, no more and no less" (that's King Lear). I was flattered :) . Oh, and Justin's little brother Nathan was talking to me, which was rather random, but he was silly as ever. I spoke to Thomas last night too, poor dear, about being in Pet. My heart literally breaks for Thomas and Katrina, it really does. As for my own situation, I am very regretful, but it is no use to dwell. I still feel a strong attatchment but I try my best to get over it. It is working slowly but surely. Whether or not I want it to work is another story. My goodness this is a weird post. Okay well that's all, I've got serious munchies, lata gata :) .

you said forever, you'd never let me go ;

So, life is queer right now. I've got my university all picked out and beginning my registration sheets, very excited. I also checked out the campus last weekend. It's not very big, but that's why I like it. It's also all newly renovated and everything! Looks like a good place for me. Just got to make sure my average stays above 75% this year for the course I want, which isn't hard at all. So, that was basically all I did last weekend; campus tours and drinking, ahaha. Let's see.. what else has happened? Oh, I've been gravely ill since Thursday. Everyone is calling me swiney, of course. I have to go to the doctor's tonight to see what's up with my lungs, they're effing right up. I haven't been to school since Thursday morning, though I have copied all my notes off edline i still want to go back to class to see everyone!!

In love(sham) life news, I've been going out on a couple dates a week with Alex, and it's rather nice, but we're not looking for a relationships yet. Alan asked me out again, apparently fifth times a charm. Hmm what else, what else.. well, aside from the obvious which I don't need to mention again, Kate and Mike broke up. She ended it and when he accepted it, she beat the shit out of him! I told her I'll kick her ass if I catch her playing at that again, dumb bitch.

On a sad note, as things have been relatively good lately aside from getting sick, I see Fabio for the last time, probably ever, on Friday. Everytime I think of it my stomach drops. He was a good friend but I think he's one of those guys who can't remain "just friends" with an ex, which I don't comprehend for any man, but still. That's what I'm the most sad about. Not our failed romance, which was doomed from the very beginning, but the friendship I felt toward him as well. Obviously, not well returned. Another sad thing about this is when I think of him, I always think of the Moncton episode. It breaks my heart everytime. That's not the kind of wound that heals, it remains raw. I hope no girl lucky enough to catch him next time goes through that, not from him.

So that is about all I have to say today, I know I haven't been posting but as I said I've been laying in bed dying then getting drunk the past week, so I haven't been the most reliable person in the world, hehe. I'll try for another update Friday night apres mon rendezvous avec mon cher, bahaha. Goodbye my dears :) .

Ah, found this from a post last night and felt it needed an edit to be more precise:

"Lover,
Artifical and Impersonal.
Sex, Pain, Shame.
Abusive, Liar, Manipulative, Neglectful
NON EXISTENT."