you said forever, you'd never let me go ;

So, life is queer right now. I've got my university all picked out and beginning my registration sheets, very excited. I also checked out the campus last weekend. It's not very big, but that's why I like it. It's also all newly renovated and everything! Looks like a good place for me. Just got to make sure my average stays above 75% this year for the course I want, which isn't hard at all. So, that was basically all I did last weekend; campus tours and drinking, ahaha. Let's see.. what else has happened? Oh, I've been gravely ill since Thursday. Everyone is calling me swiney, of course. I have to go to the doctor's tonight to see what's up with my lungs, they're effing right up. I haven't been to school since Thursday morning, though I have copied all my notes off edline i still want to go back to class to see everyone!!

In love(sham) life news, I've been going out on a couple dates a week with Alex, and it's rather nice, but we're not looking for a relationships yet. Alan asked me out again, apparently fifth times a charm. Hmm what else, what else.. well, aside from the obvious which I don't need to mention again, Kate and Mike broke up. She ended it and when he accepted it, she beat the shit out of him! I told her I'll kick her ass if I catch her playing at that again, dumb bitch.

On a sad note, as things have been relatively good lately aside from getting sick, I see Fabio for the last time, probably ever, on Friday. Everytime I think of it my stomach drops. He was a good friend but I think he's one of those guys who can't remain "just friends" with an ex, which I don't comprehend for any man, but still. That's what I'm the most sad about. Not our failed romance, which was doomed from the very beginning, but the friendship I felt toward him as well. Obviously, not well returned. Another sad thing about this is when I think of him, I always think of the Moncton episode. It breaks my heart everytime. That's not the kind of wound that heals, it remains raw. I hope no girl lucky enough to catch him next time goes through that, not from him.

So that is about all I have to say today, I know I haven't been posting but as I said I've been laying in bed dying then getting drunk the past week, so I haven't been the most reliable person in the world, hehe. I'll try for another update Friday night apres mon rendezvous avec mon cher, bahaha. Goodbye my dears :) .

Ah, found this from a post last night and felt it needed an edit to be more precise:

"Lover,
Artifical and Impersonal.
Sex, Pain, Shame.
Abusive, Liar, Manipulative, Neglectful
NON EXISTENT."

they said they found me on the bathroom floor ;

Know what really bites? When the instant you become single, six different guys are after you for sex. And you only know two of them. Men. Suck. Dicks. Wish they all did, then they would leave me alone at least :) . Hehehe. Anyway, I suppose this is the part where I post what's happening right? Well, let me think.

I had a date with Alex again, and we're getting to know each other a little better, but I'm still not looking for anything right now, I don't want anything to do with men but to be friends. Besides the date, which included swimming in the Atlantic at midnight, we went to Goatman's at night and actually went IN the house! I was scared out of my mind but it was thrilling too! You should have seen the murals he had painted, he was exceedingly talented. Poor man, I wonder what happened to him.. After we were done looking around inside the collapsing building we took a walk down this grassy path to see where it led. We walked for about a kilometer before we came to a clearing with this gorgeous little beach. It was a really nice place.

I also dropped in on a couple of parties this weekend and met Michelle's new boyfriend in the process. Not to sound like a hypocrite here, but that 22 year old definitely has other designs in mind. For one thing, he looks like he must be thrity. For another, I just don't like the vibe from him. The way he looks at her, acts.. I'll be keeping my eye on my girl, that's for sure. I act rather paternal about certain friends, don't I? Especially Kathy and Michelle. Mostly Kathy though. She feels like a younger sister to me and I do my best to help her whenever I can, she has a lot to offer, I don't want her to be a screw up like her cousin.

Another new thing, I'm up to 60 mg. I don't remember if I mentioned that already.. but if not, well, now you know. I can't tell if it's working yet, but I have been rather happy lately. The future is looking a tiny bit clearer. Yet.. I feel kind of alone all the same. I've been writing a lot lately though, and it's helping. Maybe I will write a book someday.

I've also been thinking a lot about something Fabio said to me. He told me he doesn't believe my happiness is here. I think he's right. Think on that, my dear. Sadly, I've met a few more soldiers down here from the reserves and I'll admit I still cringe at the news and newspaper whenever news of Iraq or anything else military comes up. My dad's pushing me to the Navy. Maybe.. maybe.. We'll see. Ah, and the BIG news!! I'm going backpacking in Europe after high school! Good bye Canada, I'm going over to Germany and moving on from here! I cannot wait, it's going to be an incredible experience :D . That's all for me now, au revoir mes cheries!

on the dark side of the moon ;

I have just had a major realization. I know what I am meant to do and where I'm supposed to be. I know where I'm going.. and I'm extatic.

i remember every whispered word ;

So the weekend wasn't quite as good as I expected. Thrusday night I got stood up for two hours by a drunken son of a bitch. Friday was okay expect Allie was on oxy and freaked right out and left and I was seriously scared she was going attack me in my sleep, since I stayed the night there. Ryan invited me to cab my way North to stay at his apartment, but I would have felt bad leaving poor Evan, he was really upset. Allie doesn't deserve him, she treats him like crap. Aside from Allie the night was really fun. Katelynn and I were dancing up a storm with Ryan and Cory and I really like her, she's really down to earth. The night wasn't a complete failure. So then Saturday I slept most of the day away and didn't really do anything at all. Yesterday, Sunday, the family came over for Thanksgiving dinner. That was really good. Addyson is so cute! She's seven weeks old now, and I had claim of her most of the night; feeding her, changing her, ect ecct. I love her! She's so adorable! Then Cory ditched me for hang outs, which sucked. Tonight I'm supposed to go over to Marcel's but I'm waiting for a call from him 'cause I have no clue where he leaves, just that it's West. Kyle texted me today too. Apparently that's the second friend I've lost in the past two months. Great.

I'm feeling kind of lonely today. All these people just keep yelling at me and leaving. Not sure why, but, that's life I guess. Got to keep moving on, right? I'm trying to keep a positive outlook the past month. No sense staying sad over something I can't change. I still miss the people who walk out all the same. Well here's some quotes while I wait for my ride.

"I'll remember you though, just like I remember everyone that leaves." << means a lot to me. i don't forget you, ever. no matter if you leave.

"Every day you are gone is more lonesome than the last."

"I know I'm to blame but it kills me that I made you hate me. It's like you've erased me but you said you loved me. I know what they say; they say you'll be happier, better off without me. I know I'm to blame."

"Just because you can spell love doesn't mean you should say it so much."

"I've become exactly what I swore I'd never be."

"I know I could be better, one more chance is all I need. I gave you my heart, I gave you too many second chances, where's mine; where's mine?"

"The biggest secret I know is that there is beauty everywhere; you just have to know where to look."

"I still believe we're meant to be together.. you idiot."

"It's sad when people to know become people you knew."

"You know you're gonna miss this as long as you live."

"But people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out."

"Smile."


So here I am again, editing. I felt like writing, perhaps I'll feel better. I don't feel too bad, really, just kind of lonely tonight. It's sad how many people are now trying to get in my pants since I'm single, and not one of them wants to get to know me. They just want sex. Men suck; do they even have hearts?

"Phone numbers floated around the inside of her bag, rustling with the jar of her step as she went to meet the next one on the list. It always seemed to be getting longer, she though ironically. A sigh escaped her lips as the cold wind blew her hair around her face, blurring her vision. Through the chestnut strands she could distinguish the figure of a boy approaching. Her head was still beating with last night's alcoholic buzz, but she vaguely recognized who it was. He waved and smiled smuggly; he knew she would show up. She always came crawling back. He took her cold hand in his and led her into the dark shrubbery off the main road. She fell on her knees, a practiced step, and choked back the tears and the panic bubbling up in her stomach. This was wrong, so wrong. She was becoming exactly what she swore she would never be, and she knew it. Another part of her, the bitter part, the experienced part, was hissing venom in her mind. Who would care, who would help? No one. Because no one would ever learn what she had become. A filthy whore."

I'm working on an important piece, I'll start posting it once I get more of it done.

i used to be love drunk but now im just hung over ;

Oh hello there Blog. How's it going? All's fine here. I was up in Gagetown yesterday night and today, since there's no school today or tomorrow. I hung out with Shannon and Tyler and went to my doctor's appointment. I'm at sixty mg now, and I think that's the perfect amount for me. Tonight I'm going to the BK Cup out at MNorth with Alex, my sexy date, ahahaha. Yeah, sexy all right. Ha. Anyway, we're going out to the game to cheer and chill with friends and then to Taco Pica for food afterward. The game starts in twenty minutes, and that dope STILL isn't here! God he's slow. So, that's what's up for tonight. Tomorrow I work, drinks Saturday with Allie since we made up, then Thanksgiving dinner Sunday. It's going to be a sweet weekend! I'm really excited. Oh, plus there's shopping tomorrow so how can I go wrong ;). Which reminds me, I have to find a dress for cabaret, it's coming up closer to Christmas but I wanna get the dress out of the way so I can concentrait on other things. Alright, that's it for now, just wanted to keep you posted. Go Saints!

if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it ;

Hello hello :) . Soo how are we today? I'm pretty dang fine. I got my grad photos done today (which turned out pretty well) and I'm about to start homework. I have a math sheet to finish and a drawing of a stupid little dog for art, hehe. So, let's see what there is to report for this weekend. Let's begin with Friday, shall we?

I stayed in for most of the night then went out around nine with Kyle. We went out to the cliff and chilled and discovered some things about each other we hadn't known. And it's weird, we've become really really close friends and well.. I don't know. I guess he's got feelings for me but he doesn't know what to do because he also adores Marie. So he's not sure what to do and he knows I don't want to rush into a relationship, I mean I want my single time right now, but I don't know. I'm just surprised how many guys are suddenly after me the past two years. I've got three of 'em coming at me at once and it's like slow down boys, there's other things in life to do besides you! Anyway, so it was a comfortable and friendly evening with Kyle.

Saturday I stayed home during the day and lazed in my jammies. That night I went out to Dooley's with Gary. Pumped I wasn't getting carded all night! Ordered my own drink, sat up at the bar and chatted up the fellas all night, it was fun. Then Gary and I played some pool and talked until I got tired and ended up cabbing it home.

I spent Sunday semi-hungover and waiting for spaghetti for supper, haha! I kind of wanted to go to the mall but was just too damn tired. So I lazed, once again, and did a bunch of cleaning. Gary was pestering me telling me how he "feels" about me and shit though, so that kind of ruined it. What's with boys?! Back off, ya dinks. I just broke up Wednesday. Jesus. Anyway, so- oh jesus, there he is again on MSN. GO AWAY GARY! Besides being eight years older than me, he's hairy and thin and nasty! Yuck. Anyway, once again, I've got a ton of homework tonight! I don't mind it though, I just have a hard time getting myself to start. It probably doesn't help that I'm blogging right now, either, hehe.

Oh! So I'm pumped for Thanksgiving (which we are having Sunday instead of Monday). Billy, Kenzie, James, Ashley, Kyler, and Addyson are all coming up here! And the regular family will be here as well. It will be a nice time, I think. And everyone will get to see James' baby, which is so cute its redic. Well that's it for now, I gotta get my homework done while Shakira is still motivating me, ahaha. Lata gata ;) .

now youre gone ;

"we're all pretty bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all."

"i just want them to know they didn't break me."

"everything I'm not made me everything I am."

"He said I'll love you forever. She said okay. Just let me know when forever is about to end."

"My heart is not your dick, so stop playing with it."

"I think the worst feeling is being forgotten by someone you will never forget."

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"I can't breath without you, but I have to."

"Drunken words are meerly sober thoughts."


It will all stop hurting and the yearning will dissapate with time. I know this, it is enevitable. But to be cut out of someones life so finally is hurtful and takes time. To know youre "over bearing" is sad and causes you to analyze yourself. Life is complicated, but that's just the way it is. People come and go, things change. You keep pushing forward. I'm keeping busy. I'm doing the school thing, volunteering, working, and makeing time for the people in my life that care for me and I care for. Things are going to be okay. I know this. I will miss you; I know this also. But I will go on.


PS: they got rid of the coloring on here so i have to post in white. yeah, this is not connected to anything i just said, but it still drives me mad. goddamn you google blog!

its a thug story ;

Pumped for this weekend!! Tonight I'm chillin, all day tomorrow with Kyle, partyin at Ryan's in the evening, then out Sunday! Gonna be fun, gonna get fucked right up man!! I think someones bringing E to the party, so we'll see where that leads. Besides that, I haven't gone to school the last two days so I'm nice and loose and relaxed. Got all my shit done anyway, so I'm not falling behind or anything. Working on my art again too, and getting really into it! I feel good :) . I miss Fabio though, I want to see him before he leaves for Quebec, I still want to be on good terms and talk once in awhile. Aside from that though, things are rather interesting here.. more on an unprecidented turn of events next time, I gotta peel homies! Lovee <33