if i gave my love away ;

Just a quick post from school. Thought I'd update you on my latest Kori-Crisis. So him and Katrina have been talking again, which is okay with me, and they're hanging out tonight. Little touchy, but I'm letting it go; they have a right to be friends. Obviously I trust Koriat least somewhat for this long-distance thing to me working, not to mention the fact that I'm relocating and we're moving in together. Therein lays the problem.

This morning, he suggests us having Katrina as a roommate. Do I want that? Absolutely fucking not. Will it probably happen anyway because I'll end up feeling guilty and sorry for Kori? Fucking probably. Did he seem a little ticked that I was ticked he asked and then insinuate that I A) don't trust him or B) think she's some kind of brainwasher? Christ, of course he did.

I feel asking this of me is a little unfair. I mean the boy is certainly lovable, sweet, and honest. But I mean I've known Katrina much longer than him, and if it wasn't for him, I'd never EVER move in with her. But I feel he's asking a lot of me and all I get in return is, of course, hearing he loves me, but I'm not getting back what I'm putting into the relationship. While he takes his joking to far and swears at me like 96% of the time, I'm finding him a place to live, helping with his budgeting and money affairs, acting as comforter and director all at once. Last weekend I got upset and he didn't so much as offer to comfort me. Instead he told me to stop and act normal again. I was only upset because he threw a hissy fit then slamed the bathroom door on me, came to bed, laid totally on his side and wasn't speaking, nor would he tell me what was wrong. Was me being perturbed wrong?

I've come a long way from where I was, but now I'm worried being with him might pull me back to the place I had been. I won't go back there. As for Katrina moving in.. I don't know about that one.. She's too unstable. I'm going to talk to Thomas about it tonight, we were talking earlier but he's at work now. God forbid I should talk to Kori and get accused of being a bitch or some shit. Boys are dumb.

I can't afford a place by myself, but Kori and I could easily split rent. Why he wants a third in the apartment.. remains to be seen. But it's an awfully suspicious request in my opinion. I'm going to have to think about it. Problem is, we need to get an apartment for the first of July, so I'm running low on time. Also, I'm the only one of the two of us expected to look after everything. I'm not used to being someones rock. It's not a bad position, but he's putting a lot of responsibility and stress on me that I don't want. It's like.. now that we're together, he doesn't mind putting all the shit on me he looked like he was shouldering when we first met and got aquainted. Not sure if this is going to work out if he keeps it up.. Which is really quite a shame. Oh well, c'est la vie. I'll try to figure something out.. I'll update you on this situation in the near future.

i just wander around with my eyes wide shut ;

Well, here I am again. Now in month number.. what, five or six of being Prozac free. I must say this has been the first length of time I've suffered from old feelings though. I'm confident it will go away, just the return of unwanted parents upsetting the reality I've managed to grip. This isn't unusual though, they always upset things. Let's start with that problem, shall we?

Mom showed up like.. three or four days ago out of the blue. She'd been missing all day, I was worried sick as were Billy and James. Then I get home from work and she's sitting on the couch like nothing happened! Natalee had even called the police, she was so worried. Pissed. Anyway, her only explaination was that they'd had a fight, so she snuck out in the morning. No clothes, nothing. She was all about working up the pity and being rude to Donald, worried about Nan. Nan seemed to handle the situation well though. She cried silently off and on beside me on the couch, which completely disgusts me after all we've been through together. I couldn't even sit there, I had to leave the house. She's still here, too. Not sure when she's leaving, but I pray it's soon. We don't get along. I can't stand being with her and now she wants to get an apartment with me! I don't think I could do it.. unless it ment being closer to Kori.. that's the only reason I'd go with her. And as soon as I landed a decent job, I'd move out. I can't live with her again.. I can't go through that unstable environment again, I'll just go back to being sick and I can't live like that or let Kori have to deal with me being like that. It'd only drive him away, anyway.

So then Dad drove me to Fredericton this weekend to stay with Kori. The whole drive he yelled at me; Dad doesn't yell. Never, ever did. Then out of no where there it was like a fucking punch to the gut. It took all I had not to start screaming and punching him out. He went on the usual tangent; it's all my fault, Michelle "doesn't hate me" (bullshit) and all these lies the kids were telling about me. Fuck them.. none of them know me. Not even Da. He likes to think he knows who I am, but he has no fucking clue. I don't think anyone knows my true character, but he's definitely least qualified to make that call. Anyway, he yelled the whole drive telling me not to be such a bitch about them and blah blah blah. Everything I've heard before, but with more venom and sting. His words hit me hard. They've never done that before. He's not my father.

The weekend was rather marred by these events but I tried to keep it cheery for Kori; he doesn't like to see me upset. I think he might be the kind of person that doesn't know how to handle someone elses feelings well.. he needs a rock so that's what I try to be. It's hard though, I'm used to being the one handled, not handling. Not that I mind though, I'm happy to give him all he needs. I'm just a little worried, that's all. I don't want to have to go through one of these Fabio situations again where if I'm not happy I'm scorned or rejected. No one's happy all the time though! But for the weekends I shall now try to be.

For my birthday I didn't do anything. Kori was a dear though. He went out and got a candle and a blizzard and put up streamers for me. He really wanted me to have a good birthday, what a sweetheart. Billy and James came over too. James brought a cake and two coolers for me, BIlly and Kenzie brought me a lovely card with some money in it I later used to Chinese food. It was an okay night I guess. Not what I wanted for my eighteenth, but I was too upset to put on my "happy face".

So that's about it, I just felt the need to post; I'm still a little down. Good night for now.

pray i don't face you ;

Howdy. Figured I'd best update again before the month is out. I actually just brought the mail in and got my application package for the distance education college I'm looking at but I wanted to update first so I can devote my full attention to it afterward. So, let's see, what news have I got?

Michelle and I are no longer friends. We had a big blow out wherein I told her I think she's a slut and I haven't held any affection for her in quite some time. She said the same to me and it was a huge shit show. I only wish I'd remembered she's got my digital camera before I said all this. Sigh. I don't think I'll ever see it again, she hasn't been responding to my demands to get it back. Ah well, we'll see where that goes.

Kori and I are doing well so far. It's more than obvious the boy cares for me more than I do for him at the moment, but I certainly do care for him a lot. We're getting along very well though, and I'm very happy with it. I'm cautiously optimistic, not putting all my ducks in one pond as it were. We shall see.. but I've got a good feeling about this one. He's not some weak minded, egotistical man. He's himself, with everyone. Not putting up a facade. He deserves a little love though, things haven't been easy for him.. I'm more than happy to be there for him!

Nan's doing well, about the same as last time I updated. Kathy's grampie is in the hospital though, they say he won't make it past the weekend at the latest. Rob's a mess, so's Michael.. it's heartwrenching. Michael was my best friend growing up, my closest confident. He never cried, now it's all he does.. poor boy..

I put in my resume on base in Gage. HOpefully I hear back fairly soon, I'm checking out apartments as well. Back to the beginning I go! Random, yes. Because of Kori? .. Not totally.. Just a perk, hehe. I miss it there though.. the small town feel, the friends, the tight community. I'd like to go back ASAP! Can't wait for school to be done.

That's about it I suppose. Oh, it's my birthday Saturday though. I was going to have a party but.. I think I'd rather just get a hotel in Shediac and spend it alone on the beach with Kori :) . I'll let you know how it all turns out soon, promise!! Peace.

so what the hell do we do now ;

Jesus Christ, I'm awful. I haven't posted in a month! Apologies, as there is a lot I've got to fill into this time lapse. I'll try to put things in order to paint a clearer picture of what's going on.

I had my NYC trip the first week of April and it was incredible! We saw all kinds of interesting people and places, probably the best trip I've ever taken. I hope to go back some day, there wasn't nearly enough time to see all the things we wanted to see. The best part of the trip was eating greasy take out pizza smack dab in the middle of Times Square! Right in front of where they drop the ball on New Years Eve! The night life there is nuts, I loved every minute of it!

Nan's been doing well too. She can go to the bathroom by herself now and can use the walker to get around fairly well. Unfortunately she cannot be left alone yet though, so since Brenda's back to work everyone's had to chip in to take turns staying with her. That's kind of tough on all of us but we're fairing alright so far.

I've got a boyfriend now too. His name's Kori and he's not like anyone I've ever met. He's just got one of those totally authentic characters, lovin' it! We've only been going out for a couple weeks, and only known each other about a month, but I'm crazy about him. It's like now that he's around I can't even see any one else. Things are looking very, very good. :D

The one downside I've discovered is Katrina. She's seemingly cutting me off and saying it's because Kori wouldn't want us talking even though I assured her he didn't care and I would talk to her regardless. Now, interestingly enough, Kori and Katrina used to be a "thing", as it were. Rather Kori cared for her while she either hid (with amazing skill) or never cared for him like he for her. So as I was just entering this relationships with him, shit kind of hit the fan because he found out she was playing him, I told him he could do better than her because of what I know of her history, and long story short he's pissed at her and she's seemingly indifferent/blaming me. Nice, right? It's a very stressful situation. He reassures me continuely he doesn't feel anything for her anymore but of course there's moderate worry in the back of my mind. I'm trying to be positive and give him the benefit of the doubt for now though. Keep your fingers crossed.

Michelle and I rarely associate anymore. She's been drinking and blazing it up ALL THE TIME the past two months and I couldn't take it anymore. It was getting to the point where she was passing out and letting the nearest guy feel her up and not giving a damn, but she should. It's too much of a loose lifestyle for even me to handle, and I'm generally very accepting. Sarah's been beginning to follow Michelle on this issue too so we've grown apart. I've become better friends with Krista though, so some good came of it.

In school news, I've joined the track team. Things have been going well and every week I run a little further. I'm registered in 100m, 200m, and shotput. The latter I've never tried but I think I'll be getting some lessons on it at this weeks practice.

Well I guess that's as real as things need to be made for now.. I'm having a bad day. I promise to post within the next two weeks with more news.

all my days were spent by the telephone ;

Evening. I've been too slack lately to bother updating, but tonight I decided I had better before I forget what's been happening and let things slip.

Well for one thing that weekend of the fifth didn't work out. Instead we had a party at Michelle's that Friday night with a bunch of people there. It worked out pretty well, though I was easily the most sober girl there and thusly took care of the drunkards. I cleaned up spills, picked up discarded cans, and drank lemon gin in between it all, hehe. I stayed up until five with Emily, Trisha, Amanada, and our new friend Alpine. We just talked about.. everything. You know those drunken conversations where you talk about life and your opinions, your love, your losses, and everything in between. At five I finally went to sleep, got up at eight, and went to work for ten. It was hard, but I made it through okay. It was only Allie and I working, anyway.

After that not a whole lot happened. Just chillin as usual I suppose. I did sleep with Tim who is six years my senior. I don't really regret it though. It was wild, he's easily the craziest lover I've ever had, I sure met my match in this one! We're still getting along as well as usual. Except for one little hiccup that was this past Saturday night.

Michelle and I went up there to chill with Ben and Tim. Ben was drunk as fuck and pissed at Michelle for being the spoiled princess she is (I love her, but this is an HONEST blog) and got things going pretty bad. We managed to keep it going smooth until Tim and Michelle started fighting over me, not using names, so I didn't realize at first, because Michelle is mad that he sort of fuck and chucked me with no intentions on following through. She also critized me for my loose living lately and not sticking up for myself, letting these douchers running me over, starting with Fabio. So that was something, that's for sure. I'm lonely as hell, but I'm not sad. She's more upset than even I am, I think. Anything, the bottles and chairs and glass started flying, then Tim and Ben got in the truck and wanted me to leave with them because I was my mellow self while she was being a prick (she locked herself in the car she was so mad and wouldnt let me in while she shouted insults at Tim out the window and seethed over Ben not trying to calm her or anything). However, there was no way I could let her drive home like that, she's reckless when she's calm, I didn't want to see her driving while she was mad. So I declined, yelled until she let me in the car, and we left. Shit. Show.

In job news, I'm PISSED at Joanne again. She bitched me right out for things that happened on Saturday. Except, I didn't work Saturday! When I told her, she said "regardless" and kept chatising me! Foolish. She made up some stuff too that I was pretty mad about, I'm thinking about reporting her.

Also, Nan is now home! For maybe.. two, three weeks now. It's one huge hassle though. She can't walk like at ALL so she needs to be catered to ever second of the day. Brenda took two months of work for it. She can't even go to the bathroom by herself or anything, its pitiful. It could be worse though.

Mom visited yesterday as well. That was about as good a time as it always is.. I did get to see James and his family and Bill though, so that wasn't too bad. Addyson is cute as a bug! She's saying 'mama' and 'dada' now, learning to crawl, and all about the noise and movement! At only seven months, none the less!

So that's about it for me right now. Still looking for plans after school. It's looking like I'm going over to Calgary with Marcel. Should be interesting. Maybe stupid, but who cares, it's another experience I'll have! "Grab life by the horns and hump it into submission!" Kiss kiss ;)

yes i am the best, no i aint positive, im definite ;

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now entering month number four of being Prozac free! Still happy as a motherfucker too! I can't believe this.. I don't know what the hell it was, but I snapped right out of the depression. I'm living life like mad lately, I've made all these crazy plans!! I decided not to do school next year, I'm going to move overseas!! Can you believe that?! I'm so totally excited I cannot even convey it online, but trust me, this is HUGE! I'm thinking it's going to be London at first, possibly Scotland. First of all though, let's go through the last few weeks so you can be up to speed, shall we?

I've been hangin' with the Musquash folk more lately, and that's been a blast! I met Lucas and we kind of hit it off but then he cooled off so we're just doin' the friend thing right now. I still talk to Dan all the time and we've pretty good buds. I became better friends with Tim too. So everything of that front it awesome! Weekend of the fifth of March we're all going up there, including Michelle (now dating Ben) and Amanda (still dating Glen), for that whole weekend over nights and what not. Going to be crazy fun!! I can't wait for it.

Secondly, I've got my prom date, Alex (surprise, right?) and we've been talking about my dress but I have yet to find one. Expect a picture when I do though.

Guess where I'm going in April. NEW YORK! I can't wait for that! Broadway show booked, Staton Island, Ground zero, all kinds of interesting things! Plus, Chinatown, which is pretty much knock off central. This is only costing me $800 not counting my meals and shopping expenses. That's gonna be a blast. Now, about my after high school plans..

So, I have one of three options:

ONE - Move to Calgary and room with Marcel (25) for practically nothing.
TWO - Stay in SJ and find a roommate (difficult for me) and get a new, full time job. Coles is pretty much love, but, it doesn't pay the bills.
THREE - On my trip overseas in August, stay over there.

The latter is my personal preference. I've been checking out costs of living and job opportunities, other expenses, schools, etc. This, my friends, is lookin' good.

On a slightly more depressing note, Nan is in the hospital at the moment.. She tripped out in the front hall two Wednesday's ago and was laying out there for an HOUR by herself! In just her bathrobe and nightie, none the less. She shattered the bone in her leg that attaches it to her hip and they didn't think she'd live through the surgery. Once again, the tough old broad surprised everyone and pulled through with FLYING COLORS! We couldn't believe how blessed we were! She's doing very well now, receiving therapy for walking and leg movement. She's a prickly patient, but she's tended to endlessly. She could even be home as early as next week! I can't wait, the house seems to empty without her. I love my Nan. :)

So, that's all dears. I wish you and yours the best, and until next time, mes chers!

the only thing that's left between us ;

Evening Blog! So, I'm sitting at Michelle's with two drunkards right now. I figured I should leave a small update with you considering I'll be quite busy the next week or so. Exam week has been BULLSHIT! Monday's exam was cancelled so schedule was pushed back. Same deal today. That means no Halifax because I have an exam Monday, which was a day I supposed to be in Halifax. So that's poop swag. Here's tonight up until Monday for you, anyway:

Friday: Gallery opening with Wayne! It was a blast, wine, finger foods, and art. Doesn't get much better! It was pretty hilarious too considering we were by far the youngest couple there. I almost spit out my wine from laughing so hard. After that we went over to Mexicala Rosa's and had some dinner about eight o'clock. Then I came over to Michelle's house with her and Amanda. They're drinking but I haven't decided if I shall tonight or not.

Saturday: Up to the camp! Really excited :)! It's undecided when'how long we're staying, but we're determined for Michelle to fight her way up there, haha, so hopefully HOPEFULLY we can go.

Sunday: One day of relaxation, major hangover, and major studying.

Monday: Biology exam (fml).

So that's that. Pretty long week, but not neccessarly bad, either. There's your update, night night :) .