Never ever question my abandonment senses. Once again they were spot on. Fabio and I are done. He changed his posting to Quebec. Honestly, I think he got sick of me and didn't know how to put it. I just wish I knew he wasn't as serious about me as I was about him. I hate men. They're all liars and no good. Don't tell youre different; none of you are different. You all want the same thing; sex. After that, why the fuck bother, right? Obviously. Putting trust and love and faith into a relationship isn't worth it. I'm better off going back to the way I was; cutting and dating abusive men. I don't deserve any better and at least when I'm being beaten senseless I feel like I'm getting some attention, negative or not. I think that's a good plan, that's what I should go back to. Then youre getting screwed right to your face, not behind your back.
Kyle helped me a lot tonight. He took me out to the football game and just calmed me down and held me while I cried. I feel okay. Mall tomorrow, fuck school. Why bother now. What am I working toward but more failure. The End.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
once the drugs are gone i feel like dying ;
I feel neglected and unloved. Enough said. Not a good night. Things looking kind of bleak. Not getting what I desperately need right now. Either it's just me or my ever keen abandonment issue senses are scary accurate again. Help?
"Only once the drugs are gone i feel like dying; i feel like dying."
"No love, no glory, no hero in her sky; i can't take my eyes off you."
"I'll never get over you walking away; I've never been the kind to let my feelings show; I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control; Tonight I wanna cry."
"I miss the sound of your voice; i miss the rush of your skin; i miss the still of the silence as you breath out and i breath in; faith and desire and the swing of your hips; just pull me down hard and drown me in love."
"I ache to remember all the violent sweet perfect words that you said."
"Only once the drugs are gone i feel like dying; i feel like dying."
"No love, no glory, no hero in her sky; i can't take my eyes off you."
"I'll never get over you walking away; I've never been the kind to let my feelings show; I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control; Tonight I wanna cry."
"I miss the sound of your voice; i miss the rush of your skin; i miss the still of the silence as you breath out and i breath in; faith and desire and the swing of your hips; just pull me down hard and drown me in love."
"I ache to remember all the violent sweet perfect words that you said."
Sunday, September 27, 2009
im everything you've ever missed ;
I need my old bed back. This thing is killing me, it's like sleepin on a board! So anyway, hello Blog. Things are well, semi normal over here. It's never just normal, as I'm sure you've noticed. My auntie Ann and her scary preverted husband have just left after having dinner here. God he creeps me out, I make a point to stay as far away from him as possible. He like stares at all of my girl cousins and myself. We think he's abusive too, but it's really impossible to tell. So that's the bad news, haha. In good news, I got a cute little txt picture from Fabio of him all dressed up. I absolutely melted, it was so cute! He's adorable. Aside from today my weekend was rather uneventful except for the famous Saturday night, haha!
Okay so Saturday I went to Allie's after work again and we both got out whore drinking lets party outfits on and were gushing over each other, haha. I felt kind of funny in mine though because it was super short and I had to walk in my heels drunk, but everyone said it looked good so I guess it couldn't have been bad. So we drank at Allie's for a bit and just relaxed then headed out and decided to go to the South Dooleys, since they don't ID at the doors. So me and Cates and Gary walked ahead of everyone else and went in. Gary got our drinks and then bought up two pool tables so we just passed the time drinking, dancing, shooting, smoking, and just joking around. It was really relaxing, I enjoyed myself. Plus I beat Gary at pool twice, so I was pretty proud. Evan and Me were fooling around with the pool sticks all night too. Allie was tired so she just relaxed and drank. I had some fun though. Then Allie and Evan were talking to me asking if Fabio and I wanted to have an orgy, ahahaha. It was an interesting night. Then I called a cab and everyone hugged me, including my new lesbian buddy Alicia, haha. Marcel offered to take me home too cause he doesn't drink and I think he lives North too but he didn't really seem to be in a good mood so I just got into the cab and peeled.
So all in all my expenses this weekend were sixty dollars, fourty left over and pay day Friday. Not bad, for me :) . I'm super tired though, and I have to study for my math test. Grad photos in two weeks, and my grad interview Thrusday! Can't wait :) ! XOX!
Okay so Saturday I went to Allie's after work again and we both got out whore drinking lets party outfits on and were gushing over each other, haha. I felt kind of funny in mine though because it was super short and I had to walk in my heels drunk, but everyone said it looked good so I guess it couldn't have been bad. So we drank at Allie's for a bit and just relaxed then headed out and decided to go to the South Dooleys, since they don't ID at the doors. So me and Cates and Gary walked ahead of everyone else and went in. Gary got our drinks and then bought up two pool tables so we just passed the time drinking, dancing, shooting, smoking, and just joking around. It was really relaxing, I enjoyed myself. Plus I beat Gary at pool twice, so I was pretty proud. Evan and Me were fooling around with the pool sticks all night too. Allie was tired so she just relaxed and drank. I had some fun though. Then Allie and Evan were talking to me asking if Fabio and I wanted to have an orgy, ahahaha. It was an interesting night. Then I called a cab and everyone hugged me, including my new lesbian buddy Alicia, haha. Marcel offered to take me home too cause he doesn't drink and I think he lives North too but he didn't really seem to be in a good mood so I just got into the cab and peeled.
So all in all my expenses this weekend were sixty dollars, fourty left over and pay day Friday. Not bad, for me :) . I'm super tired though, and I have to study for my math test. Grad photos in two weeks, and my grad interview Thrusday! Can't wait :) ! XOX!
Friday, September 25, 2009
darling you're a million ways to be cruel ;
So there's not really any news to report right now other than school. Grad photo session is the fifth of October for me at 10:10 and I have my Senior Interview on Thrusday about STU and my course selection ideas and crap. So I'm pretty well set up for an interesting week coming up. Plus I work Tuesday and Thursday, but I do have my first weekend ever off! Yay! And Fabio said he'll come spend it with me so I know it's going to be fun :) . Plus that Friday is a pay day for me! I hope we have a good time :) . Allie and Evan want us to come over and party but I don't know if we will yet, I'll ask him but sometimes we're both in the mood to just stay in and watch a movie or whatever, so we'll see.
Speaking of Allie and work, I love my job. I could be contented to do any work with books for the rest of my life. The only problem is I'm totally buying billions of them now. I spent like.. one hundred bucks on books today. They weren't all for me though! I got Addyson one, Kyler one, My mom and dad, and Shannon and Brenda. Everyone's getting a book for Christmas! I also found one for Fabio and I, but I can't give the title because he's sneaky and Blog Stalks me ;) .
Speaking of you, loveable jackass, I'm putting my faith in you this evening as you will be out and there is the possibility of drinking. You said you won't do it until I can get over this a little more and start learning to trust you again. Don't screw it up, mister. I want to trust you. And like you said, you don't need alcohol with your friends to have a good time. Though I think you may have drank the other day and didn't tell me? Perhaps you should mention it to me after you read this.
Okay what else is there.. well speaking of alcohol I'll be going out to the bar and Dooley's tomorrow night with Allie, Evan, Cavan, JTT, maybe Kyle, and a bunch of other people. Allie's 20 so she's the one closest to my age I believe, haha. But we all have a good time, they're all really laid back and chill. Almost all of them do drugs, mind you, but they are good people. Allie wants me to go move in with her and Evan and go three way on the rent, haha. Interesting idea, no? My phone keeps going off. That insane Kalina chick keeps txting me to tell me she's pregnant when she's not. That's her hobby, pretending she's pregnant. Poor girl has some problems, she drives me nuts.
Now, speaking of kids, as I seem to be going from one subject to another tonight, I think I'd actually like one or a few when it's right. I don't know if it's the whole Child Studies class or my own personal feelings or I've been inhaling crack and not knowing it, but I do want children. A nice little warm baby to hold, a toddler to take to school and help get dressed, even a teenager begging for clothes and curfew. I'm aware it's not all sunshine either; lack of sleep, money stress, emotional stress, all that junk. I'm thinking about it rationally, I don't do the fantasy everything will be okay shit. Is it weird I'm thinking about that... for someone who's seventeen? Probably. I'm not the average seventeen year old either, so maybe that's even sort of normal for me. God only knows. I'm already nuts, hehe. Anyway, I'm gonna watch some Family Guy for awhile. Goodnight Blog!
Speaking of Allie and work, I love my job. I could be contented to do any work with books for the rest of my life. The only problem is I'm totally buying billions of them now. I spent like.. one hundred bucks on books today. They weren't all for me though! I got Addyson one, Kyler one, My mom and dad, and Shannon and Brenda. Everyone's getting a book for Christmas! I also found one for Fabio and I, but I can't give the title because he's sneaky and Blog Stalks me ;) .
Speaking of you, loveable jackass, I'm putting my faith in you this evening as you will be out and there is the possibility of drinking. You said you won't do it until I can get over this a little more and start learning to trust you again. Don't screw it up, mister. I want to trust you. And like you said, you don't need alcohol with your friends to have a good time. Though I think you may have drank the other day and didn't tell me? Perhaps you should mention it to me after you read this.
Okay what else is there.. well speaking of alcohol I'll be going out to the bar and Dooley's tomorrow night with Allie, Evan, Cavan, JTT, maybe Kyle, and a bunch of other people. Allie's 20 so she's the one closest to my age I believe, haha. But we all have a good time, they're all really laid back and chill. Almost all of them do drugs, mind you, but they are good people. Allie wants me to go move in with her and Evan and go three way on the rent, haha. Interesting idea, no? My phone keeps going off. That insane Kalina chick keeps txting me to tell me she's pregnant when she's not. That's her hobby, pretending she's pregnant. Poor girl has some problems, she drives me nuts.
Now, speaking of kids, as I seem to be going from one subject to another tonight, I think I'd actually like one or a few when it's right. I don't know if it's the whole Child Studies class or my own personal feelings or I've been inhaling crack and not knowing it, but I do want children. A nice little warm baby to hold, a toddler to take to school and help get dressed, even a teenager begging for clothes and curfew. I'm aware it's not all sunshine either; lack of sleep, money stress, emotional stress, all that junk. I'm thinking about it rationally, I don't do the fantasy everything will be okay shit. Is it weird I'm thinking about that... for someone who's seventeen? Probably. I'm not the average seventeen year old either, so maybe that's even sort of normal for me. God only knows. I'm already nuts, hehe. Anyway, I'm gonna watch some Family Guy for awhile. Goodnight Blog!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
i don't want this to be the end of us ;
I love this song dearly. It's called Weekend Apologies by Thriving Ivory, whom I adore.
"I don't wanna know what they said about what you did last night on the town when you had a little much to drink.
I promised myself I wouldn't catch you if I could; leave it on a grey ending and new beginning and hope it goes away.
She closes her eyes and says one more drink to ease the pain; just to get it off my mind.
And I apologize before I drink tonight.
It was about a year ago this time when things were lookin good.
Got caught in the moment and didn't look too far ahead; but it's not unusual for someone like myself to cross the line.
I caused so much fucked up shit; it was about a month ago it got a little out of hand."
Anyway, I'm doing sort of okay today. I I talked to Allie and made plans for Saturday night. We're gonnA go shopping after work then get ready at her place then hit the bars with Evan, Ryan, probably John. I don't know who's going for sure yet, but we're definitely going. It should be fun.
In relationship news, I know I can't let go of him. I love him too damn much and I don't want to lose the most important person in my life. We'll work through it. We're both too stubborn to give up. But my trust issues are welling up; when I'm hurt I need extreme amounts of reassurance, and I don't think he knows just how much I need. But I do. I'm a horrible girlfriend, aren't I? Ugh. I love Fabio so much, it would kill me to lose him. Of course I saw a copy of the military paper on the coffee table this morning, with an article on a dead soldier, and I went into panic mode again. It's a good thing he's worth the trouble. Most of the time. Except when he doesn't shower. Lil piggy. Anyway... I miss him a lot but I'm glad he gets to see his family, they seem pretty close knit. Gotta envy that, better than my bullshit family, kinda jealous, hehe. Well I just hope we can have a good time when he gets back. Maybe he'll call tonight; I hope so. I think he took it the wrong way yesterday when I told him not to call that evening, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk on the phone you know? Well that's about all my news, later Blog.
"I don't wanna know what they said about what you did last night on the town when you had a little much to drink.
I promised myself I wouldn't catch you if I could; leave it on a grey ending and new beginning and hope it goes away.
She closes her eyes and says one more drink to ease the pain; just to get it off my mind.
And I apologize before I drink tonight.
It was about a year ago this time when things were lookin good.
Got caught in the moment and didn't look too far ahead; but it's not unusual for someone like myself to cross the line.
I caused so much fucked up shit; it was about a month ago it got a little out of hand."
Anyway, I'm doing sort of okay today. I I talked to Allie and made plans for Saturday night. We're gonnA go shopping after work then get ready at her place then hit the bars with Evan, Ryan, probably John. I don't know who's going for sure yet, but we're definitely going. It should be fun.
In relationship news, I know I can't let go of him. I love him too damn much and I don't want to lose the most important person in my life. We'll work through it. We're both too stubborn to give up. But my trust issues are welling up; when I'm hurt I need extreme amounts of reassurance, and I don't think he knows just how much I need. But I do. I'm a horrible girlfriend, aren't I? Ugh. I love Fabio so much, it would kill me to lose him. Of course I saw a copy of the military paper on the coffee table this morning, with an article on a dead soldier, and I went into panic mode again. It's a good thing he's worth the trouble. Most of the time. Except when he doesn't shower. Lil piggy. Anyway... I miss him a lot but I'm glad he gets to see his family, they seem pretty close knit. Gotta envy that, better than my bullshit family, kinda jealous, hehe. Well I just hope we can have a good time when he gets back. Maybe he'll call tonight; I hope so. I think he took it the wrong way yesterday when I told him not to call that evening, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk on the phone you know? Well that's about all my news, later Blog.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
i wanted more than this ;
"My bones will break and my heart will give; oh it hurts to live.
I remember the day when you left for Santa Monica; you left me to remain with all your excuses for everything."
"Nothing's quite the same now; I just say your name now.
But it's not so bad; you're only the best I've ever had."
"That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to.
As I paced back and forth all this time as I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on; the days drag on.
Stupid girl; I should have known.
I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairytale.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down."
"I just can't win for losing; man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing, like I don't know now."
"It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you; it's the wrong time.
Leave me out with the waste; this is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you; it's the wrong time she's pullin' me through.
It's a small crime but I got no excuse."
"I bought those pills I thought I would need; I wrote a letter to my family.
I said it's not your fault; you've been good to me.
It's just lately I've been feelin' like I don't belong; like the grounds not mine to walk upon.
I sat watching a flower as it was withering; I was embarassed by its honesty.
I prefer to be remembered as a smiling face; not this fucking wreck that's taken it's place.
So please forgive what I have done; no you can't stay mad at the setting sun.
I mean we all get tired eventually; there's nothing left to do but sleep.
I gave myself a few more days; my salvation it came quite suddenly.
I'd like to make some changes; so when your eyes meet mine they won't see no lies; just love.
No lies, just love."
"I can tell everything's not fine; it's never alright.
I'm not as blind as you might think; you look a little unhappy about the way the world is turnin'."
"I guess I just got lost bein someone else; I tried to kill the pain but nothing ever helped.
I left myself behind; somewhere along the way.
Hopin' to come back and find myself someday.
Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay ; please would you one time let me be myself?
So i can shine with my own light; let me be myself."
"I'm just so fuckin' depressed; I can't seem to get outta this slump.
I took my bruises took my lumps; fell down and got right back up.
I know some shit's so hard to swallow but I can't just sit back and wallow."
"My mom loved Vallium and lots of drugs; that's why I'm on what I'm on; because I'm my mom.
Try witnessin' your mom poppin perscription pills at the kitchen table."
"Hey kid you'll never live this down.
You're just the girl all the boys wanna dance with; I'm just the boy that had too many chances."
"I never took you for a trick but sometimes I don't know what you want.
I can take this if you need to take it out on someone.
That little bitch with her head held so high.
I cutmyself so I can feel something I know is not a lie.
That one stings a little; but you'll always find me here.
There's a little bit of you in all of this; you know I hate myself without you now.
Hurts the same when nobody knows; and I won't say anything at all.
Anxious, scared of what you need.
Everyone needs a piece of you; everyone takes a piece of me."
"My weakness is that I care too much; but my scars remind me the past is real.
I'm drunk and I'm feelin down; I just wanna be alone."
"My worst fear came true."
"I can tell; here comes goodbye, here comes the last time."
"What hurts the most was being so close; having so much to say.
Never knowin what could have been; not seein that lovin you is what I was tryin to do."
"Silly boy; you had a good girl and didn't know how to treat her."
I remember the day when you left for Santa Monica; you left me to remain with all your excuses for everything."
"Nothing's quite the same now; I just say your name now.
But it's not so bad; you're only the best I've ever had."
"That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to.
As I paced back and forth all this time as I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on; the days drag on.
Stupid girl; I should have known.
I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairytale.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down."
"I just can't win for losing; man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing, like I don't know now."
"It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you; it's the wrong time.
Leave me out with the waste; this is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you; it's the wrong time she's pullin' me through.
It's a small crime but I got no excuse."
"I bought those pills I thought I would need; I wrote a letter to my family.
I said it's not your fault; you've been good to me.
It's just lately I've been feelin' like I don't belong; like the grounds not mine to walk upon.
I sat watching a flower as it was withering; I was embarassed by its honesty.
I prefer to be remembered as a smiling face; not this fucking wreck that's taken it's place.
So please forgive what I have done; no you can't stay mad at the setting sun.
I mean we all get tired eventually; there's nothing left to do but sleep.
I gave myself a few more days; my salvation it came quite suddenly.
I'd like to make some changes; so when your eyes meet mine they won't see no lies; just love.
No lies, just love."
"I can tell everything's not fine; it's never alright.
I'm not as blind as you might think; you look a little unhappy about the way the world is turnin'."
"I guess I just got lost bein someone else; I tried to kill the pain but nothing ever helped.
I left myself behind; somewhere along the way.
Hopin' to come back and find myself someday.
Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay ; please would you one time let me be myself?
So i can shine with my own light; let me be myself."
"I'm just so fuckin' depressed; I can't seem to get outta this slump.
I took my bruises took my lumps; fell down and got right back up.
I know some shit's so hard to swallow but I can't just sit back and wallow."
"My mom loved Vallium and lots of drugs; that's why I'm on what I'm on; because I'm my mom.
Try witnessin' your mom poppin perscription pills at the kitchen table."
"Hey kid you'll never live this down.
You're just the girl all the boys wanna dance with; I'm just the boy that had too many chances."
"I never took you for a trick but sometimes I don't know what you want.
I can take this if you need to take it out on someone.
That little bitch with her head held so high.
I cutmyself so I can feel something I know is not a lie.
That one stings a little; but you'll always find me here.
There's a little bit of you in all of this; you know I hate myself without you now.
Hurts the same when nobody knows; and I won't say anything at all.
Anxious, scared of what you need.
Everyone needs a piece of you; everyone takes a piece of me."
"My weakness is that I care too much; but my scars remind me the past is real.
I'm drunk and I'm feelin down; I just wanna be alone."
"My worst fear came true."
"I can tell; here comes goodbye, here comes the last time."
"What hurts the most was being so close; having so much to say.
Never knowin what could have been; not seein that lovin you is what I was tryin to do."
"Silly boy; you had a good girl and didn't know how to treat her."
Monday, September 21, 2009
you can't be serious after what you just did ;
Blog, kill me.
I feel nothing but neglect, sorrow, and raw pain.
You ask me to forget but how do I begin?
When I close my eyes and all I see is you and her.
Did she lay beside you were I am now?
Did you wish I had a body like hers?
It hurts so very deeply. I love you and I don't want to lose you in any way, and I never want to hurt you. I just don't know how I can begin to get over this. If you we could spend more than two or three days together at a time I might begin to feel slightly better. Being alone does nothing for me. You're gone for the moment and though I know it's temporary, I'm at a point where I need constant and very strong reassurance and comfort. You cannot expect me to smile so brightly for the next few weeks, I cannot imagine a reason to smile like that right now. I can't stop crying. I can't concentrait at school, I can't eat, and sleep is a distant memory. I feel so broken and betrayed. I love you so much, I don't want to be without you now or ever. But I don't know if you're as serious about this as I am. About this situation. About us. I need that reassurance right now, I'm doubting everything. I know you were taught not to show emotion strongly, but that's something I really cherish and need. With me, I hope you will begin to show me your true emotions as strongly or as faintly as you feel. Please. I love you Fabio, I love you. Never again. Swear to me. Please.
I feel nothing but neglect, sorrow, and raw pain.
You ask me to forget but how do I begin?
When I close my eyes and all I see is you and her.
Did she lay beside you were I am now?
Did you wish I had a body like hers?
It hurts so very deeply. I love you and I don't want to lose you in any way, and I never want to hurt you. I just don't know how I can begin to get over this. If you we could spend more than two or three days together at a time I might begin to feel slightly better. Being alone does nothing for me. You're gone for the moment and though I know it's temporary, I'm at a point where I need constant and very strong reassurance and comfort. You cannot expect me to smile so brightly for the next few weeks, I cannot imagine a reason to smile like that right now. I can't stop crying. I can't concentrait at school, I can't eat, and sleep is a distant memory. I feel so broken and betrayed. I love you so much, I don't want to be without you now or ever. But I don't know if you're as serious about this as I am. About this situation. About us. I need that reassurance right now, I'm doubting everything. I know you were taught not to show emotion strongly, but that's something I really cherish and need. With me, I hope you will begin to show me your true emotions as strongly or as faintly as you feel. Please. I love you Fabio, I love you. Never again. Swear to me. Please.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
because i'm never worth it ;
Dear Blog, Fabio fucked me over. Only took three months this time. I must be getting better at chasing people away. He went ahead and fucked another girl whilst drunk while I was being an idiot trusting him. Rule #1: Never trust a man again. Ever.
I don't know if I'll leave him or not. I can't really decide yet; I need more time to think. But I can't eat or sleep or do anything but think and picture him and some slut from a bar. It's tearing me up inside and there's nothing I can do about it.
Am I such a bad girlfriend that subconsciously all the men I date run from me, cheat on me? Jesus Christ. It hurts so bad, it's like I can't even breath anymore. The pain is too heavy. What do I do??? I don't know if I can ever trust him again now, any one for that matter. Any time I start to let myself relax and believe in someone, look what happens. I wish I had died. Goodbye.
I don't know if I'll leave him or not. I can't really decide yet; I need more time to think. But I can't eat or sleep or do anything but think and picture him and some slut from a bar. It's tearing me up inside and there's nothing I can do about it.
Am I such a bad girlfriend that subconsciously all the men I date run from me, cheat on me? Jesus Christ. It hurts so bad, it's like I can't even breath anymore. The pain is too heavy. What do I do??? I don't know if I can ever trust him again now, any one for that matter. Any time I start to let myself relax and believe in someone, look what happens. I wish I had died. Goodbye.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
you were fierce and i turned around and took it all ;
Know what one of the scariest things in the world is, Blog? It's similitude. The connection between two objects or two people that never seemed possible but is there none the less. That is frightening. Repetition. Mistakes. Misconceptions. What can be worst than repeating the most painful yet most beneficial experience in your life? Still worst than that is staring at it heading at you dead on and not sure weither to stand your ground or to run and hide. Similitude, my dear, is deadly. Also, when you are so understanding and knowledgeable about said frightening experience already, if you sit and think about it and begin to cultivate your thoughts on it, you know what the reaction or consequences will be. It's that sinking feeling in your stomach; it's the knowledge you wish you didn't have.
I don't think I can give men what they need or want. It never seems that way. I'm not a very good girlfriend, am I? I thought I was but when all my relationships start to get to the point where I back down and turn into a doormat, I begin to wonder how and why I keep ending back up here. Or maybe I'm just in an apathetic mood and have too much time on my hands. Seems viable, right?
In real news now, I broke my three month work in a minute of lowness on the bathroom floor. Though I did cut maybe with three strokes, I am proud to say I had the will power to stop myself and say no, no more. I can't do this, this isn't me any more. With that I placed down the knife and fixed myself up. That may not seem like a whole lot to you, but that's a big thing for me. I don't stop for anything. The fact that the thought of Fabio and my own feelings about myself stopped me is pretty damn significant. So I know it means something, even if it doesn't seem like it.
The problem with learning to live without cutting is this: Cutting is who I was and what I knew. I don't know how to be okay. I feel like my illnesses define me. So truthfully, I'm a little scared of getting better. Seems rather idiotic, but well.. that's how it is.
Okay so on a lighter note school is going rather well. And work is fantastic. I especially enjoy working with Allie, my twenty year old co worker. She's a doll! She lives uptown so I'm going over to her apartment after work Saturday and we're going to have some drinks and some people over; should be fun.
While the rest of my world is kind of tipsy right now, it helps having some structure back in my days; I crave structure. On a less light note about school, I see Will every-freaking-where and it's super tense every since he sent me this bitchin note on FB. But we just ignore each other, so it's gonna stay like that since he doesn't have the balls to tell me off in person.
Anyway, that's all for now, I just had a little bit of a pet peeve set me off so I'm going to go read or something. Hell's Kitchen is on in twenty minutes anyway :) . Okay, peacee.
I don't think I can give men what they need or want. It never seems that way. I'm not a very good girlfriend, am I? I thought I was but when all my relationships start to get to the point where I back down and turn into a doormat, I begin to wonder how and why I keep ending back up here. Or maybe I'm just in an apathetic mood and have too much time on my hands. Seems viable, right?
In real news now, I broke my three month work in a minute of lowness on the bathroom floor. Though I did cut maybe with three strokes, I am proud to say I had the will power to stop myself and say no, no more. I can't do this, this isn't me any more. With that I placed down the knife and fixed myself up. That may not seem like a whole lot to you, but that's a big thing for me. I don't stop for anything. The fact that the thought of Fabio and my own feelings about myself stopped me is pretty damn significant. So I know it means something, even if it doesn't seem like it.
The problem with learning to live without cutting is this: Cutting is who I was and what I knew. I don't know how to be okay. I feel like my illnesses define me. So truthfully, I'm a little scared of getting better. Seems rather idiotic, but well.. that's how it is.
Okay so on a lighter note school is going rather well. And work is fantastic. I especially enjoy working with Allie, my twenty year old co worker. She's a doll! She lives uptown so I'm going over to her apartment after work Saturday and we're going to have some drinks and some people over; should be fun.
While the rest of my world is kind of tipsy right now, it helps having some structure back in my days; I crave structure. On a less light note about school, I see Will every-freaking-where and it's super tense every since he sent me this bitchin note on FB. But we just ignore each other, so it's gonna stay like that since he doesn't have the balls to tell me off in person.
Anyway, that's all for now, I just had a little bit of a pet peeve set me off so I'm going to go read or something. Hell's Kitchen is on in twenty minutes anyway :) . Okay, peacee.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
she takes her dress off and says is this alright ;
- You do not speak to other men
- You do not make eye contact with other men
- You must act as if everything is alright
- You must be happy all day, every day
- You may not be with other men without me present
- You are expected to do nothing but be at my beck and call
- You must do what I say
- You have no choices when it comes to the bedroom
- You must take what I say without question
- You cannot do anything that I cannot do
- No means yes
WARNING: fragile human being dead ahead
WARNING: confused child huddled in the corner
WARNING: past and future abuser
WARNING: future alcoholic passed out on the floor
WARNING: unstable teenager
WARNING: horrified and deeply terrified individual
DANGER: she needs another drink
DANGER: she's thinking about the blade in her dresser
DANGER: she feels unloved
DANGER: she feels so very alone
DANGER: she cannot stand alone
DANGER: she does not know what she's doing
DANGER: she's losing control
DANGER: she's still carrying scars
DANGER: she's still trapped in memory
DANGER: she can't deal with it alone
- You do not make eye contact with other men
- You must act as if everything is alright
- You must be happy all day, every day
- You may not be with other men without me present
- You are expected to do nothing but be at my beck and call
- You must do what I say
- You have no choices when it comes to the bedroom
- You must take what I say without question
- You cannot do anything that I cannot do
- No means yes
WARNING: fragile human being dead ahead
WARNING: confused child huddled in the corner
WARNING: past and future abuser
WARNING: future alcoholic passed out on the floor
WARNING: unstable teenager
WARNING: horrified and deeply terrified individual
DANGER: she needs another drink
DANGER: she's thinking about the blade in her dresser
DANGER: she feels unloved
DANGER: she feels so very alone
DANGER: she cannot stand alone
DANGER: she does not know what she's doing
DANGER: she's losing control
DANGER: she's still carrying scars
DANGER: she's still trapped in memory
DANGER: she can't deal with it alone
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
im killin time, times killin me ;
If I don't get some sleep and cut down on the sadness asap, I'm jumping on the razor. I'm going out of my mind, I can't sleep or eat or concentrait at all. Maybe I need a good smash in the head. Ugh. I don't have anything to say here except I'm not well and I'm gritting my teeth but losing my will power. Bye.
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