if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it ;

Hello hello :) . Soo how are we today? I'm pretty dang fine. I got my grad photos done today (which turned out pretty well) and I'm about to start homework. I have a math sheet to finish and a drawing of a stupid little dog for art, hehe. So, let's see what there is to report for this weekend. Let's begin with Friday, shall we?

I stayed in for most of the night then went out around nine with Kyle. We went out to the cliff and chilled and discovered some things about each other we hadn't known. And it's weird, we've become really really close friends and well.. I don't know. I guess he's got feelings for me but he doesn't know what to do because he also adores Marie. So he's not sure what to do and he knows I don't want to rush into a relationship, I mean I want my single time right now, but I don't know. I'm just surprised how many guys are suddenly after me the past two years. I've got three of 'em coming at me at once and it's like slow down boys, there's other things in life to do besides you! Anyway, so it was a comfortable and friendly evening with Kyle.

Saturday I stayed home during the day and lazed in my jammies. That night I went out to Dooley's with Gary. Pumped I wasn't getting carded all night! Ordered my own drink, sat up at the bar and chatted up the fellas all night, it was fun. Then Gary and I played some pool and talked until I got tired and ended up cabbing it home.

I spent Sunday semi-hungover and waiting for spaghetti for supper, haha! I kind of wanted to go to the mall but was just too damn tired. So I lazed, once again, and did a bunch of cleaning. Gary was pestering me telling me how he "feels" about me and shit though, so that kind of ruined it. What's with boys?! Back off, ya dinks. I just broke up Wednesday. Jesus. Anyway, so- oh jesus, there he is again on MSN. GO AWAY GARY! Besides being eight years older than me, he's hairy and thin and nasty! Yuck. Anyway, once again, I've got a ton of homework tonight! I don't mind it though, I just have a hard time getting myself to start. It probably doesn't help that I'm blogging right now, either, hehe.

Oh! So I'm pumped for Thanksgiving (which we are having Sunday instead of Monday). Billy, Kenzie, James, Ashley, Kyler, and Addyson are all coming up here! And the regular family will be here as well. It will be a nice time, I think. And everyone will get to see James' baby, which is so cute its redic. Well that's it for now, I gotta get my homework done while Shakira is still motivating me, ahaha. Lata gata ;) .

now youre gone ;

"we're all pretty bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all."

"i just want them to know they didn't break me."

"everything I'm not made me everything I am."

"He said I'll love you forever. She said okay. Just let me know when forever is about to end."

"My heart is not your dick, so stop playing with it."

"I think the worst feeling is being forgotten by someone you will never forget."

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"I can't breath without you, but I have to."

"Drunken words are meerly sober thoughts."


It will all stop hurting and the yearning will dissapate with time. I know this, it is enevitable. But to be cut out of someones life so finally is hurtful and takes time. To know youre "over bearing" is sad and causes you to analyze yourself. Life is complicated, but that's just the way it is. People come and go, things change. You keep pushing forward. I'm keeping busy. I'm doing the school thing, volunteering, working, and makeing time for the people in my life that care for me and I care for. Things are going to be okay. I know this. I will miss you; I know this also. But I will go on.


PS: they got rid of the coloring on here so i have to post in white. yeah, this is not connected to anything i just said, but it still drives me mad. goddamn you google blog!

its a thug story ;

Pumped for this weekend!! Tonight I'm chillin, all day tomorrow with Kyle, partyin at Ryan's in the evening, then out Sunday! Gonna be fun, gonna get fucked right up man!! I think someones bringing E to the party, so we'll see where that leads. Besides that, I haven't gone to school the last two days so I'm nice and loose and relaxed. Got all my shit done anyway, so I'm not falling behind or anything. Working on my art again too, and getting really into it! I feel good :) . I miss Fabio though, I want to see him before he leaves for Quebec, I still want to be on good terms and talk once in awhile. Aside from that though, things are rather interesting here.. more on an unprecidented turn of events next time, I gotta peel homies! Lovee <33

noddin my head like yeah ;

Never ever question my abandonment senses. Once again they were spot on. Fabio and I are done. He changed his posting to Quebec. Honestly, I think he got sick of me and didn't know how to put it. I just wish I knew he wasn't as serious about me as I was about him. I hate men. They're all liars and no good. Don't tell youre different; none of you are different. You all want the same thing; sex. After that, why the fuck bother, right? Obviously. Putting trust and love and faith into a relationship isn't worth it. I'm better off going back to the way I was; cutting and dating abusive men. I don't deserve any better and at least when I'm being beaten senseless I feel like I'm getting some attention, negative or not. I think that's a good plan, that's what I should go back to. Then youre getting screwed right to your face, not behind your back.

Kyle helped me a lot tonight. He took me out to the football game and just calmed me down and held me while I cried. I feel okay. Mall tomorrow, fuck school. Why bother now. What am I working toward but more failure. The End.

once the drugs are gone i feel like dying ;

I feel neglected and unloved. Enough said. Not a good night. Things looking kind of bleak. Not getting what I desperately need right now. Either it's just me or my ever keen abandonment issue senses are scary accurate again. Help?

"Only once the drugs are gone i feel like dying; i feel like dying."

"No love, no glory, no hero in her sky; i can't take my eyes off you."

"I'll never get over you walking away; I've never been the kind to let my feelings show; I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control; Tonight I wanna cry."

"I miss the sound of your voice; i miss the rush of your skin; i miss the still of the silence as you breath out and i breath in; faith and desire and the swing of your hips; just pull me down hard and drown me in love."

"I ache to remember all the violent sweet perfect words that you said."

im everything you've ever missed ;

I need my old bed back. This thing is killing me, it's like sleepin on a board! So anyway, hello Blog. Things are well, semi normal over here. It's never just normal, as I'm sure you've noticed. My auntie Ann and her scary preverted husband have just left after having dinner here. God he creeps me out, I make a point to stay as far away from him as possible. He like stares at all of my girl cousins and myself. We think he's abusive too, but it's really impossible to tell. So that's the bad news, haha. In good news, I got a cute little txt picture from Fabio of him all dressed up. I absolutely melted, it was so cute! He's adorable. Aside from today my weekend was rather uneventful except for the famous Saturday night, haha!

Okay so Saturday I went to Allie's after work again and we both got out whore drinking lets party outfits on and were gushing over each other, haha. I felt kind of funny in mine though because it was super short and I had to walk in my heels drunk, but everyone said it looked good so I guess it couldn't have been bad. So we drank at Allie's for a bit and just relaxed then headed out and decided to go to the South Dooleys, since they don't ID at the doors. So me and Cates and Gary walked ahead of everyone else and went in. Gary got our drinks and then bought up two pool tables so we just passed the time drinking, dancing, shooting, smoking, and just joking around. It was really relaxing, I enjoyed myself. Plus I beat Gary at pool twice, so I was pretty proud. Evan and Me were fooling around with the pool sticks all night too. Allie was tired so she just relaxed and drank. I had some fun though. Then Allie and Evan were talking to me asking if Fabio and I wanted to have an orgy, ahahaha. It was an interesting night. Then I called a cab and everyone hugged me, including my new lesbian buddy Alicia, haha. Marcel offered to take me home too cause he doesn't drink and I think he lives North too but he didn't really seem to be in a good mood so I just got into the cab and peeled.

So all in all my expenses this weekend were sixty dollars, fourty left over and pay day Friday. Not bad, for me :) . I'm super tired though, and I have to study for my math test. Grad photos in two weeks, and my grad interview Thrusday! Can't wait :) ! XOX!

darling you're a million ways to be cruel ;

So there's not really any news to report right now other than school. Grad photo session is the fifth of October for me at 10:10 and I have my Senior Interview on Thrusday about STU and my course selection ideas and crap. So I'm pretty well set up for an interesting week coming up. Plus I work Tuesday and Thursday, but I do have my first weekend ever off! Yay! And Fabio said he'll come spend it with me so I know it's going to be fun :) . Plus that Friday is a pay day for me! I hope we have a good time :) . Allie and Evan want us to come over and party but I don't know if we will yet, I'll ask him but sometimes we're both in the mood to just stay in and watch a movie or whatever, so we'll see.

Speaking of Allie and work, I love my job. I could be contented to do any work with books for the rest of my life. The only problem is I'm totally buying billions of them now. I spent like.. one hundred bucks on books today. They weren't all for me though! I got Addyson one, Kyler one, My mom and dad, and Shannon and Brenda. Everyone's getting a book for Christmas! I also found one for Fabio and I, but I can't give the title because he's sneaky and Blog Stalks me ;) .

Speaking of you, loveable jackass, I'm putting my faith in you this evening as you will be out and there is the possibility of drinking. You said you won't do it until I can get over this a little more and start learning to trust you again. Don't screw it up, mister. I want to trust you. And like you said, you don't need alcohol with your friends to have a good time. Though I think you may have drank the other day and didn't tell me? Perhaps you should mention it to me after you read this.

Okay what else is there.. well speaking of alcohol I'll be going out to the bar and Dooley's tomorrow night with Allie, Evan, Cavan, JTT, maybe Kyle, and a bunch of other people. Allie's 20 so she's the one closest to my age I believe, haha. But we all have a good time, they're all really laid back and chill. Almost all of them do drugs, mind you, but they are good people. Allie wants me to go move in with her and Evan and go three way on the rent, haha. Interesting idea, no? My phone keeps going off. That insane Kalina chick keeps txting me to tell me she's pregnant when she's not. That's her hobby, pretending she's pregnant. Poor girl has some problems, she drives me nuts.

Now, speaking of kids, as I seem to be going from one subject to another tonight, I think I'd actually like one or a few when it's right. I don't know if it's the whole Child Studies class or my own personal feelings or I've been inhaling crack and not knowing it, but I do want children. A nice little warm baby to hold, a toddler to take to school and help get dressed, even a teenager begging for clothes and curfew. I'm aware it's not all sunshine either; lack of sleep, money stress, emotional stress, all that junk. I'm thinking about it rationally, I don't do the fantasy everything will be okay shit. Is it weird I'm thinking about that... for someone who's seventeen? Probably. I'm not the average seventeen year old either, so maybe that's even sort of normal for me. God only knows. I'm already nuts, hehe. Anyway, I'm gonna watch some Family Guy for awhile. Goodnight Blog!