you're so beautiful ;

So the Doctor didn't do anything at all! Sent me home with the exact same perscription. Bullshit! Alex is still treating me like dirt while pretending he isn't fucking around behind my back. So that is also bullshit. I did go visit James, Ashley, and the kids this weekend though and that was nice. I also visited with Tyler and Shannon, who is difficult as ever. Oh, and at James' we had a small get together with the Mexicans. That wasn't too bad, we had chili and exchanged gifts and cooed over the baby. James took me driving on the highway, and so did Dad, so that was good too! Marcel is coming back to NB, and god damn my luck but he won't leave me alone. He keeps going on about that night. I just want to forget it. Apparently, guys from jail don't know that no means no. Should have guessed that though.. Oh well, I've got Allie and Evan working on it with me so hopefully that will be solved. I guess that's about all that's new! I'm on XMas break by the way, and working today through Thursday, with XMas falling on Friday this year. More soon, promise!

you've said things you can't undo ;

So here's the deal. Medication has been useless the last four months. Apparently my body will not accept it any longer so I have to see the Doctor Monday. I've got an appointment for my next three tattoo's, all the week after XMas. I got my nose pierced. Work is fine. Boys are whores. I'm a slut. Marijiuana and alcohol are all I can depend on. It's over. I need them to fix this before it's too late. I feel like this is it, this is the moment, and that's scary as hell. Thanks for leaving me like this, I always knew I was too much for you to handle. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. I cared far too much and you cared far too little. You couldn't and wouldn't be willing to make the changes and committment I would for you. This is for the best. Words are not for the weak, and honesty is not for the faint hearted. I have known you to be neither of these things. I'm rambling. I need to light another blunt. Peace.

who will drive my soul ;

Good evening Blog. I'm doing fair this day, thought extremely exhausted. At present I'm decorating the house for Christmas with Brenda. I just wanted to do a quick post to get caught up. So here we go in point form so I can get back to work!

- Work this weekend.
- Out with Wayne Saturday, Allie's that night.
- Seeing Alex.
- Much school work.
- Cabaret with Wayne for my date.
- Work six days a week, school five days a week, with one day off from work a week that happens to fall on a school day (shoot me).

XOX

you mean everything to me ;

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it! There's quite a bit to report. Where to start.. Hm, well I suppose we'll start from this weekend and work backward. I'm hanging out with Wayne today after he's off work. He's my newest friend I met through Jen, as he is Mike's son. He's a good kid. Football team, police academy, all that good stuff. So this weekend all I did was veg and watch movies since I had the whole thing off- with the exception of Friday night. Brenda was gone for the weekend so I stayed home so nan wouldn't be alone.

Worked Friday and Thursday, got into it with Melody for being a bitch about SC. Wednesday went to a H.E.L.P (Housing Homeless Education Learning Party) conference and met some new people. Did service projects on the streets and at Romero House all afternoon. Very eye opening, I loved it. Met Jayme Hall (founder of Outflow) who is an incredible inspiration!!

Wednesday evening I got all dolled up and went to the theater with Alex. We attended Jekyll and Hyde and Kyle, Marie, Ruth, Mary, and Jake were all there as well! Oh, and Mr. Killin of course, hehe. Anyway, I fell in love with their take on the novel! Very original, it was a ball. Then Alex drove me home and that was that. Last weekend I got crazy high, fell into a hole with Sarah, ran from cops with a can of liquor in each hand, and partied. Oh, and saw the Santa Claus parade. That's about it. Just working and school aside from that.

Cabaret is coming up on December tenth. I think Alex and Wayne both want me to go with them so I'm not sure who to go with.. Oh well, we'll deal with that later I suppose. Oh, and I go back to the doctor's on the fourteenth. Oh, and Justin left for BASIC! today in Quebec. Slightly heartbroken, but hey, what are you gonna do. Oh well.. I also miss talking to Fabio, but he couldn't care less about that. So that's it I guess. Here's a written piece from a while back, enjoy. OH! And just about all my Christmas shopping is done, pumped!

"He never believed in people. The homeless lining the street in front of the Gucci store brought tears to his eyes. November rain pouring on the half frozen prostitutes desperate for a few bucks never failed to move his sympathy. In a world of six billion people, it is incredibly easy to be alone, to be desperate. He was no better than the mother in the alley trying to make enough for rent or the cocaine addict pouding the pavement for his next score.

He had completely lost faith. The human race was going no where, was nothing. Logically, this meant he was nothing as well. That did not come as new news to him. Since the age of twelve he had been screaming his lungs out yet had remained invisible to a world of six billion people. This was a God send. This was fate. This was right. So why now was he shouting out at injustice?"

He lay now with his chest violently ripped open, his hammering heart and pulsing muscles visible to him. The late December rain trickled down his cheeks and skin. The woman who had pulled the knife on him was long gone, along with his wallet. He did not feel the stabbing cold of the rain drops, nor the toughness of the cobblestones beneath his skull. He turned his head gently, shadows and the rain water played tricks on his eyes, but he made out the figure of his hand laying crumpled beside him. Slowly, painfully, he touched his finger tips together and rubbed. Crimson flowed freely over his palm and fingers from the defensive wounds he had won. He wondered vaguely if his hand was bleeding but could not focus his thoughts. He both felt and heard a scream begin to well up in his throat. Panic began to swell within him. He couldn't move, he had to get up, had to get home. His mother would be up and waiting, she would start to worry. This was wrong, so wrong. Life had been cruel to him, but he had to believe there was a way out, that there was something out there for him. He tried to cry out but only a flow of blood burst from his open lips. At this he began to wail. He screamed out for life. It was the one of the most raw and heartfelt cries to ever echo the streets of the small suburban town. Life, he wanted to live. He did not want to die. No one was coming, no one heard him. He did not want to die.

over and over again ;

Good evening Blog. How are you this evening? I am okay, if not a little upset. I'm just in one of those 'how do I stop being in love and why do I always end up like this' moods, so it's going to be another weird post. I miss Fabio. A lot. It kills me that he got over me so fast, like I was of no consequence. I should be used to it though I guess. It still hurts like hell, and it's been over a month now. I can't shake this feeling of failure. So much for that, huh?

I'm also sad because Marcel moved away to Calgary today. He'll be getting his personal apartment within the month though, and promised to buy me a round trip ticket ASAP so I can come visit him. I miss him though, he was good to me, it's disappointing that we didn't become really close friends until two months before he moved. We're going to write each other while we're apart though, so that's nice.

Justin is posted this month, for basic in Quebec. I still can't get over the fact that he joined the Forces. To be honest, I cried for three days straight and did not eat nor sleep when I found out. I cared for Justin more than anyone else because.. well, no need to explain, it would take forever. I honestly miss Justin more than I've missed anyone in my life. More than any boyfriend, more than my mother or father, more than any friend I've ever had. Our Damien Rice playlist is on. And "Wish you were here". I remember when he used to sing me to sleep with that one. He was the sweetest boy I've ever known. I don't think I ever really stopped loving him.. I just stopped showing it.

In other news, I'm being told I'm a bad person. Nice, huh? Well, maybe I am, who the hell knows. Apparently, everyone else does. I'm bad because I'm into drugs, drinking, and all that shit. So my good qualities apparently don't count any longer. Not the best feeling ever.

I'll also be filling out applications for University within the next few months. I'm kind of excited, but kind of sad to be leaving the city as well. I don't think I'm meant to be here though, as much as I wish I was.

Oh, by the way, I found out Alex is most likely playing me, just looking for a piece of ass. No surprise there, that's all men want. Yet, I don't stop seeing him. What the fuck is with me, right? I guess I really don't believe in people who care anymore. They're unreal; a nice dream and nothing more. I fill the empty space of this realisation with drugs and alcohol and sex. I'm lost and becoming myself all at once.. It's hard to explain.. But I've done some things I'm not proud of, and things I am and should not be. I'm a very complex person. I sometimes doubt I am real at all.

"One of the most devistating things in life is when someone gives up on you."

"When I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explaination was that I was meant for another world."

"Never say goodbye. Because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

"Im scared of everything. Im scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am. & most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."

"To Write Love On Her Arms."

"Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, nd then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see him again."

"I Love You is eight letters long. So is bullshit."

My heart swells; the tears spill over. I cannot continue this post right now.

oh darling, please believe me ;

Bonjour mes amies! Comment ca va? C'est tout bien ici. Hehe! It's all pretty good here, but I'm a little hung over. And still rather high. I got whaaaacked last night at some parties, so bear with me if I don't make sense today. So Friday I went out with Alex again, it was fun, we spent most of the night disecting Shakespeare. God he's intelligent! Then we moved onto the Beatles and politics and music. It was a good night. After some talking about more emotional things, he told me, and i quote, "I love you according to my bond, no more and no less" (that's King Lear). I was flattered :) . Oh, and Justin's little brother Nathan was talking to me, which was rather random, but he was silly as ever. I spoke to Thomas last night too, poor dear, about being in Pet. My heart literally breaks for Thomas and Katrina, it really does. As for my own situation, I am very regretful, but it is no use to dwell. I still feel a strong attatchment but I try my best to get over it. It is working slowly but surely. Whether or not I want it to work is another story. My goodness this is a weird post. Okay well that's all, I've got serious munchies, lata gata :) .

you said forever, you'd never let me go ;

So, life is queer right now. I've got my university all picked out and beginning my registration sheets, very excited. I also checked out the campus last weekend. It's not very big, but that's why I like it. It's also all newly renovated and everything! Looks like a good place for me. Just got to make sure my average stays above 75% this year for the course I want, which isn't hard at all. So, that was basically all I did last weekend; campus tours and drinking, ahaha. Let's see.. what else has happened? Oh, I've been gravely ill since Thursday. Everyone is calling me swiney, of course. I have to go to the doctor's tonight to see what's up with my lungs, they're effing right up. I haven't been to school since Thursday morning, though I have copied all my notes off edline i still want to go back to class to see everyone!!

In love(sham) life news, I've been going out on a couple dates a week with Alex, and it's rather nice, but we're not looking for a relationships yet. Alan asked me out again, apparently fifth times a charm. Hmm what else, what else.. well, aside from the obvious which I don't need to mention again, Kate and Mike broke up. She ended it and when he accepted it, she beat the shit out of him! I told her I'll kick her ass if I catch her playing at that again, dumb bitch.

On a sad note, as things have been relatively good lately aside from getting sick, I see Fabio for the last time, probably ever, on Friday. Everytime I think of it my stomach drops. He was a good friend but I think he's one of those guys who can't remain "just friends" with an ex, which I don't comprehend for any man, but still. That's what I'm the most sad about. Not our failed romance, which was doomed from the very beginning, but the friendship I felt toward him as well. Obviously, not well returned. Another sad thing about this is when I think of him, I always think of the Moncton episode. It breaks my heart everytime. That's not the kind of wound that heals, it remains raw. I hope no girl lucky enough to catch him next time goes through that, not from him.

So that is about all I have to say today, I know I haven't been posting but as I said I've been laying in bed dying then getting drunk the past week, so I haven't been the most reliable person in the world, hehe. I'll try for another update Friday night apres mon rendezvous avec mon cher, bahaha. Goodbye my dears :) .

Ah, found this from a post last night and felt it needed an edit to be more precise:

"Lover,
Artifical and Impersonal.
Sex, Pain, Shame.
Abusive, Liar, Manipulative, Neglectful
NON EXISTENT."

they said they found me on the bathroom floor ;

Know what really bites? When the instant you become single, six different guys are after you for sex. And you only know two of them. Men. Suck. Dicks. Wish they all did, then they would leave me alone at least :) . Hehehe. Anyway, I suppose this is the part where I post what's happening right? Well, let me think.

I had a date with Alex again, and we're getting to know each other a little better, but I'm still not looking for anything right now, I don't want anything to do with men but to be friends. Besides the date, which included swimming in the Atlantic at midnight, we went to Goatman's at night and actually went IN the house! I was scared out of my mind but it was thrilling too! You should have seen the murals he had painted, he was exceedingly talented. Poor man, I wonder what happened to him.. After we were done looking around inside the collapsing building we took a walk down this grassy path to see where it led. We walked for about a kilometer before we came to a clearing with this gorgeous little beach. It was a really nice place.

I also dropped in on a couple of parties this weekend and met Michelle's new boyfriend in the process. Not to sound like a hypocrite here, but that 22 year old definitely has other designs in mind. For one thing, he looks like he must be thrity. For another, I just don't like the vibe from him. The way he looks at her, acts.. I'll be keeping my eye on my girl, that's for sure. I act rather paternal about certain friends, don't I? Especially Kathy and Michelle. Mostly Kathy though. She feels like a younger sister to me and I do my best to help her whenever I can, she has a lot to offer, I don't want her to be a screw up like her cousin.

Another new thing, I'm up to 60 mg. I don't remember if I mentioned that already.. but if not, well, now you know. I can't tell if it's working yet, but I have been rather happy lately. The future is looking a tiny bit clearer. Yet.. I feel kind of alone all the same. I've been writing a lot lately though, and it's helping. Maybe I will write a book someday.

I've also been thinking a lot about something Fabio said to me. He told me he doesn't believe my happiness is here. I think he's right. Think on that, my dear. Sadly, I've met a few more soldiers down here from the reserves and I'll admit I still cringe at the news and newspaper whenever news of Iraq or anything else military comes up. My dad's pushing me to the Navy. Maybe.. maybe.. We'll see. Ah, and the BIG news!! I'm going backpacking in Europe after high school! Good bye Canada, I'm going over to Germany and moving on from here! I cannot wait, it's going to be an incredible experience :D . That's all for me now, au revoir mes cheries!

on the dark side of the moon ;

I have just had a major realization. I know what I am meant to do and where I'm supposed to be. I know where I'm going.. and I'm extatic.

i remember every whispered word ;

So the weekend wasn't quite as good as I expected. Thrusday night I got stood up for two hours by a drunken son of a bitch. Friday was okay expect Allie was on oxy and freaked right out and left and I was seriously scared she was going attack me in my sleep, since I stayed the night there. Ryan invited me to cab my way North to stay at his apartment, but I would have felt bad leaving poor Evan, he was really upset. Allie doesn't deserve him, she treats him like crap. Aside from Allie the night was really fun. Katelynn and I were dancing up a storm with Ryan and Cory and I really like her, she's really down to earth. The night wasn't a complete failure. So then Saturday I slept most of the day away and didn't really do anything at all. Yesterday, Sunday, the family came over for Thanksgiving dinner. That was really good. Addyson is so cute! She's seven weeks old now, and I had claim of her most of the night; feeding her, changing her, ect ecct. I love her! She's so adorable! Then Cory ditched me for hang outs, which sucked. Tonight I'm supposed to go over to Marcel's but I'm waiting for a call from him 'cause I have no clue where he leaves, just that it's West. Kyle texted me today too. Apparently that's the second friend I've lost in the past two months. Great.

I'm feeling kind of lonely today. All these people just keep yelling at me and leaving. Not sure why, but, that's life I guess. Got to keep moving on, right? I'm trying to keep a positive outlook the past month. No sense staying sad over something I can't change. I still miss the people who walk out all the same. Well here's some quotes while I wait for my ride.

"I'll remember you though, just like I remember everyone that leaves." << means a lot to me. i don't forget you, ever. no matter if you leave.

"Every day you are gone is more lonesome than the last."

"I know I'm to blame but it kills me that I made you hate me. It's like you've erased me but you said you loved me. I know what they say; they say you'll be happier, better off without me. I know I'm to blame."

"Just because you can spell love doesn't mean you should say it so much."

"I've become exactly what I swore I'd never be."

"I know I could be better, one more chance is all I need. I gave you my heart, I gave you too many second chances, where's mine; where's mine?"

"The biggest secret I know is that there is beauty everywhere; you just have to know where to look."

"I still believe we're meant to be together.. you idiot."

"It's sad when people to know become people you knew."

"You know you're gonna miss this as long as you live."

"But people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out."

"Smile."


So here I am again, editing. I felt like writing, perhaps I'll feel better. I don't feel too bad, really, just kind of lonely tonight. It's sad how many people are now trying to get in my pants since I'm single, and not one of them wants to get to know me. They just want sex. Men suck; do they even have hearts?

"Phone numbers floated around the inside of her bag, rustling with the jar of her step as she went to meet the next one on the list. It always seemed to be getting longer, she though ironically. A sigh escaped her lips as the cold wind blew her hair around her face, blurring her vision. Through the chestnut strands she could distinguish the figure of a boy approaching. Her head was still beating with last night's alcoholic buzz, but she vaguely recognized who it was. He waved and smiled smuggly; he knew she would show up. She always came crawling back. He took her cold hand in his and led her into the dark shrubbery off the main road. She fell on her knees, a practiced step, and choked back the tears and the panic bubbling up in her stomach. This was wrong, so wrong. She was becoming exactly what she swore she would never be, and she knew it. Another part of her, the bitter part, the experienced part, was hissing venom in her mind. Who would care, who would help? No one. Because no one would ever learn what she had become. A filthy whore."

I'm working on an important piece, I'll start posting it once I get more of it done.

i used to be love drunk but now im just hung over ;

Oh hello there Blog. How's it going? All's fine here. I was up in Gagetown yesterday night and today, since there's no school today or tomorrow. I hung out with Shannon and Tyler and went to my doctor's appointment. I'm at sixty mg now, and I think that's the perfect amount for me. Tonight I'm going to the BK Cup out at MNorth with Alex, my sexy date, ahahaha. Yeah, sexy all right. Ha. Anyway, we're going out to the game to cheer and chill with friends and then to Taco Pica for food afterward. The game starts in twenty minutes, and that dope STILL isn't here! God he's slow. So, that's what's up for tonight. Tomorrow I work, drinks Saturday with Allie since we made up, then Thanksgiving dinner Sunday. It's going to be a sweet weekend! I'm really excited. Oh, plus there's shopping tomorrow so how can I go wrong ;). Which reminds me, I have to find a dress for cabaret, it's coming up closer to Christmas but I wanna get the dress out of the way so I can concentrait on other things. Alright, that's it for now, just wanted to keep you posted. Go Saints!

if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it ;

Hello hello :) . Soo how are we today? I'm pretty dang fine. I got my grad photos done today (which turned out pretty well) and I'm about to start homework. I have a math sheet to finish and a drawing of a stupid little dog for art, hehe. So, let's see what there is to report for this weekend. Let's begin with Friday, shall we?

I stayed in for most of the night then went out around nine with Kyle. We went out to the cliff and chilled and discovered some things about each other we hadn't known. And it's weird, we've become really really close friends and well.. I don't know. I guess he's got feelings for me but he doesn't know what to do because he also adores Marie. So he's not sure what to do and he knows I don't want to rush into a relationship, I mean I want my single time right now, but I don't know. I'm just surprised how many guys are suddenly after me the past two years. I've got three of 'em coming at me at once and it's like slow down boys, there's other things in life to do besides you! Anyway, so it was a comfortable and friendly evening with Kyle.

Saturday I stayed home during the day and lazed in my jammies. That night I went out to Dooley's with Gary. Pumped I wasn't getting carded all night! Ordered my own drink, sat up at the bar and chatted up the fellas all night, it was fun. Then Gary and I played some pool and talked until I got tired and ended up cabbing it home.

I spent Sunday semi-hungover and waiting for spaghetti for supper, haha! I kind of wanted to go to the mall but was just too damn tired. So I lazed, once again, and did a bunch of cleaning. Gary was pestering me telling me how he "feels" about me and shit though, so that kind of ruined it. What's with boys?! Back off, ya dinks. I just broke up Wednesday. Jesus. Anyway, so- oh jesus, there he is again on MSN. GO AWAY GARY! Besides being eight years older than me, he's hairy and thin and nasty! Yuck. Anyway, once again, I've got a ton of homework tonight! I don't mind it though, I just have a hard time getting myself to start. It probably doesn't help that I'm blogging right now, either, hehe.

Oh! So I'm pumped for Thanksgiving (which we are having Sunday instead of Monday). Billy, Kenzie, James, Ashley, Kyler, and Addyson are all coming up here! And the regular family will be here as well. It will be a nice time, I think. And everyone will get to see James' baby, which is so cute its redic. Well that's it for now, I gotta get my homework done while Shakira is still motivating me, ahaha. Lata gata ;) .

now youre gone ;

"we're all pretty bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all."

"i just want them to know they didn't break me."

"everything I'm not made me everything I am."

"He said I'll love you forever. She said okay. Just let me know when forever is about to end."

"My heart is not your dick, so stop playing with it."

"I think the worst feeling is being forgotten by someone you will never forget."

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"I can't breath without you, but I have to."

"Drunken words are meerly sober thoughts."


It will all stop hurting and the yearning will dissapate with time. I know this, it is enevitable. But to be cut out of someones life so finally is hurtful and takes time. To know youre "over bearing" is sad and causes you to analyze yourself. Life is complicated, but that's just the way it is. People come and go, things change. You keep pushing forward. I'm keeping busy. I'm doing the school thing, volunteering, working, and makeing time for the people in my life that care for me and I care for. Things are going to be okay. I know this. I will miss you; I know this also. But I will go on.


PS: they got rid of the coloring on here so i have to post in white. yeah, this is not connected to anything i just said, but it still drives me mad. goddamn you google blog!

its a thug story ;

Pumped for this weekend!! Tonight I'm chillin, all day tomorrow with Kyle, partyin at Ryan's in the evening, then out Sunday! Gonna be fun, gonna get fucked right up man!! I think someones bringing E to the party, so we'll see where that leads. Besides that, I haven't gone to school the last two days so I'm nice and loose and relaxed. Got all my shit done anyway, so I'm not falling behind or anything. Working on my art again too, and getting really into it! I feel good :) . I miss Fabio though, I want to see him before he leaves for Quebec, I still want to be on good terms and talk once in awhile. Aside from that though, things are rather interesting here.. more on an unprecidented turn of events next time, I gotta peel homies! Lovee <33

noddin my head like yeah ;

Never ever question my abandonment senses. Once again they were spot on. Fabio and I are done. He changed his posting to Quebec. Honestly, I think he got sick of me and didn't know how to put it. I just wish I knew he wasn't as serious about me as I was about him. I hate men. They're all liars and no good. Don't tell youre different; none of you are different. You all want the same thing; sex. After that, why the fuck bother, right? Obviously. Putting trust and love and faith into a relationship isn't worth it. I'm better off going back to the way I was; cutting and dating abusive men. I don't deserve any better and at least when I'm being beaten senseless I feel like I'm getting some attention, negative or not. I think that's a good plan, that's what I should go back to. Then youre getting screwed right to your face, not behind your back.

Kyle helped me a lot tonight. He took me out to the football game and just calmed me down and held me while I cried. I feel okay. Mall tomorrow, fuck school. Why bother now. What am I working toward but more failure. The End.

once the drugs are gone i feel like dying ;

I feel neglected and unloved. Enough said. Not a good night. Things looking kind of bleak. Not getting what I desperately need right now. Either it's just me or my ever keen abandonment issue senses are scary accurate again. Help?

"Only once the drugs are gone i feel like dying; i feel like dying."

"No love, no glory, no hero in her sky; i can't take my eyes off you."

"I'll never get over you walking away; I've never been the kind to let my feelings show; I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control; Tonight I wanna cry."

"I miss the sound of your voice; i miss the rush of your skin; i miss the still of the silence as you breath out and i breath in; faith and desire and the swing of your hips; just pull me down hard and drown me in love."

"I ache to remember all the violent sweet perfect words that you said."

im everything you've ever missed ;

I need my old bed back. This thing is killing me, it's like sleepin on a board! So anyway, hello Blog. Things are well, semi normal over here. It's never just normal, as I'm sure you've noticed. My auntie Ann and her scary preverted husband have just left after having dinner here. God he creeps me out, I make a point to stay as far away from him as possible. He like stares at all of my girl cousins and myself. We think he's abusive too, but it's really impossible to tell. So that's the bad news, haha. In good news, I got a cute little txt picture from Fabio of him all dressed up. I absolutely melted, it was so cute! He's adorable. Aside from today my weekend was rather uneventful except for the famous Saturday night, haha!

Okay so Saturday I went to Allie's after work again and we both got out whore drinking lets party outfits on and were gushing over each other, haha. I felt kind of funny in mine though because it was super short and I had to walk in my heels drunk, but everyone said it looked good so I guess it couldn't have been bad. So we drank at Allie's for a bit and just relaxed then headed out and decided to go to the South Dooleys, since they don't ID at the doors. So me and Cates and Gary walked ahead of everyone else and went in. Gary got our drinks and then bought up two pool tables so we just passed the time drinking, dancing, shooting, smoking, and just joking around. It was really relaxing, I enjoyed myself. Plus I beat Gary at pool twice, so I was pretty proud. Evan and Me were fooling around with the pool sticks all night too. Allie was tired so she just relaxed and drank. I had some fun though. Then Allie and Evan were talking to me asking if Fabio and I wanted to have an orgy, ahahaha. It was an interesting night. Then I called a cab and everyone hugged me, including my new lesbian buddy Alicia, haha. Marcel offered to take me home too cause he doesn't drink and I think he lives North too but he didn't really seem to be in a good mood so I just got into the cab and peeled.

So all in all my expenses this weekend were sixty dollars, fourty left over and pay day Friday. Not bad, for me :) . I'm super tired though, and I have to study for my math test. Grad photos in two weeks, and my grad interview Thrusday! Can't wait :) ! XOX!

darling you're a million ways to be cruel ;

So there's not really any news to report right now other than school. Grad photo session is the fifth of October for me at 10:10 and I have my Senior Interview on Thrusday about STU and my course selection ideas and crap. So I'm pretty well set up for an interesting week coming up. Plus I work Tuesday and Thursday, but I do have my first weekend ever off! Yay! And Fabio said he'll come spend it with me so I know it's going to be fun :) . Plus that Friday is a pay day for me! I hope we have a good time :) . Allie and Evan want us to come over and party but I don't know if we will yet, I'll ask him but sometimes we're both in the mood to just stay in and watch a movie or whatever, so we'll see.

Speaking of Allie and work, I love my job. I could be contented to do any work with books for the rest of my life. The only problem is I'm totally buying billions of them now. I spent like.. one hundred bucks on books today. They weren't all for me though! I got Addyson one, Kyler one, My mom and dad, and Shannon and Brenda. Everyone's getting a book for Christmas! I also found one for Fabio and I, but I can't give the title because he's sneaky and Blog Stalks me ;) .

Speaking of you, loveable jackass, I'm putting my faith in you this evening as you will be out and there is the possibility of drinking. You said you won't do it until I can get over this a little more and start learning to trust you again. Don't screw it up, mister. I want to trust you. And like you said, you don't need alcohol with your friends to have a good time. Though I think you may have drank the other day and didn't tell me? Perhaps you should mention it to me after you read this.

Okay what else is there.. well speaking of alcohol I'll be going out to the bar and Dooley's tomorrow night with Allie, Evan, Cavan, JTT, maybe Kyle, and a bunch of other people. Allie's 20 so she's the one closest to my age I believe, haha. But we all have a good time, they're all really laid back and chill. Almost all of them do drugs, mind you, but they are good people. Allie wants me to go move in with her and Evan and go three way on the rent, haha. Interesting idea, no? My phone keeps going off. That insane Kalina chick keeps txting me to tell me she's pregnant when she's not. That's her hobby, pretending she's pregnant. Poor girl has some problems, she drives me nuts.

Now, speaking of kids, as I seem to be going from one subject to another tonight, I think I'd actually like one or a few when it's right. I don't know if it's the whole Child Studies class or my own personal feelings or I've been inhaling crack and not knowing it, but I do want children. A nice little warm baby to hold, a toddler to take to school and help get dressed, even a teenager begging for clothes and curfew. I'm aware it's not all sunshine either; lack of sleep, money stress, emotional stress, all that junk. I'm thinking about it rationally, I don't do the fantasy everything will be okay shit. Is it weird I'm thinking about that... for someone who's seventeen? Probably. I'm not the average seventeen year old either, so maybe that's even sort of normal for me. God only knows. I'm already nuts, hehe. Anyway, I'm gonna watch some Family Guy for awhile. Goodnight Blog!

i don't want this to be the end of us ;

I love this song dearly. It's called Weekend Apologies by Thriving Ivory, whom I adore.

"I don't wanna know what they said about what you did last night on the town when you had a little much to drink.
I promised myself I wouldn't catch you if I could; leave it on a grey ending and new beginning and hope it goes away.
She closes her eyes and says one more drink to ease the pain; just to get it off my mind.
And I apologize before I drink tonight.
It was about a year ago this time when things were lookin good.
Got caught in the moment and didn't look too far ahead; but it's not unusual for someone like myself to cross the line.
I caused so much fucked up shit; it was about a month ago it got a little out of hand."

Anyway, I'm doing sort of okay today. I I talked to Allie and made plans for Saturday night. We're gonnA go shopping after work then get ready at her place then hit the bars with Evan, Ryan, probably John. I don't know who's going for sure yet, but we're definitely going. It should be fun.

In relationship news, I know I can't let go of him. I love him too damn much and I don't want to lose the most important person in my life. We'll work through it. We're both too stubborn to give up. But my trust issues are welling up; when I'm hurt I need extreme amounts of reassurance, and I don't think he knows just how much I need. But I do. I'm a horrible girlfriend, aren't I? Ugh. I love Fabio so much, it would kill me to lose him. Of course I saw a copy of the military paper on the coffee table this morning, with an article on a dead soldier, and I went into panic mode again. It's a good thing he's worth the trouble. Most of the time. Except when he doesn't shower. Lil piggy. Anyway... I miss him a lot but I'm glad he gets to see his family, they seem pretty close knit. Gotta envy that, better than my bullshit family, kinda jealous, hehe. Well I just hope we can have a good time when he gets back. Maybe he'll call tonight; I hope so. I think he took it the wrong way yesterday when I told him not to call that evening, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk on the phone you know? Well that's about all my news, later Blog.

i wanted more than this ;

"My bones will break and my heart will give; oh it hurts to live.
I remember the day when you left for Santa Monica; you left me to remain with all your excuses for everything."

"Nothing's quite the same now; I just say your name now.
But it's not so bad; you're only the best I've ever had."

"That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to.
As I paced back and forth all this time as I honestly believed in you.
Holdin' on; the days drag on.
Stupid girl; I should have known.
I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairytale.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down."

"I just can't win for losing; man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing, like I don't know now."

"It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you; it's the wrong time.
Leave me out with the waste; this is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you; it's the wrong time she's pullin' me through.
It's a small crime but I got no excuse."

"I bought those pills I thought I would need; I wrote a letter to my family.
I said it's not your fault; you've been good to me.
It's just lately I've been feelin' like I don't belong; like the grounds not mine to walk upon.
I sat watching a flower as it was withering; I was embarassed by its honesty.
I prefer to be remembered as a smiling face; not this fucking wreck that's taken it's place.
So please forgive what I have done; no you can't stay mad at the setting sun.
I mean we all get tired eventually; there's nothing left to do but sleep.
I gave myself a few more days; my salvation it came quite suddenly.
I'd like to make some changes; so when your eyes meet mine they won't see no lies; just love.
No lies, just love."

"I can tell everything's not fine; it's never alright.
I'm not as blind as you might think; you look a little unhappy about the way the world is turnin'."

"I guess I just got lost bein someone else; I tried to kill the pain but nothing ever helped.
I left myself behind; somewhere along the way.
Hopin' to come back and find myself someday.
Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay ; please would you one time let me be myself?
So i can shine with my own light; let me be myself."

"I'm just so fuckin' depressed; I can't seem to get outta this slump.
I took my bruises took my lumps; fell down and got right back up.
I know some shit's so hard to swallow but I can't just sit back and wallow."

"My mom loved Vallium and lots of drugs; that's why I'm on what I'm on; because I'm my mom.
Try witnessin' your mom poppin perscription pills at the kitchen table."

"Hey kid you'll never live this down.
You're just the girl all the boys wanna dance with; I'm just the boy that had too many chances."

"I never took you for a trick but sometimes I don't know what you want.
I can take this if you need to take it out on someone.
That little bitch with her head held so high.
I cutmyself so I can feel something I know is not a lie.
That one stings a little; but you'll always find me here.
There's a little bit of you in all of this; you know I hate myself without you now.
Hurts the same when nobody knows; and I won't say anything at all.
Anxious, scared of what you need.
Everyone needs a piece of you; everyone takes a piece of me."

"My weakness is that I care too much; but my scars remind me the past is real.
I'm drunk and I'm feelin down; I just wanna be alone."

"My worst fear came true."

"I can tell; here comes goodbye, here comes the last time."

"What hurts the most was being so close; having so much to say.
Never knowin what could have been; not seein that lovin you is what I was tryin to do."

"Silly boy; you had a good girl and didn't know how to treat her."

you can't be serious after what you just did ;

Blog, kill me.
I feel nothing but neglect, sorrow, and raw pain.
You ask me to forget but how do I begin?
When I close my eyes and all I see is you and her.
Did she lay beside you were I am now?
Did you wish I had a body like hers?

It hurts so very deeply. I love you and I don't want to lose you in any way, and I never want to hurt you. I just don't know how I can begin to get over this. If you we could spend more than two or three days together at a time I might begin to feel slightly better. Being alone does nothing for me. You're gone for the moment and though I know it's temporary, I'm at a point where I need constant and very strong reassurance and comfort. You cannot expect me to smile so brightly for the next few weeks, I cannot imagine a reason to smile like that right now. I can't stop crying. I can't concentrait at school, I can't eat, and sleep is a distant memory. I feel so broken and betrayed. I love you so much, I don't want to be without you now or ever. But I don't know if you're as serious about this as I am. About this situation. About us. I need that reassurance right now, I'm doubting everything. I know you were taught not to show emotion strongly, but that's something I really cherish and need. With me, I hope you will begin to show me your true emotions as strongly or as faintly as you feel. Please. I love you Fabio, I love you. Never again. Swear to me. Please.

because i'm never worth it ;

Dear Blog, Fabio fucked me over. Only took three months this time. I must be getting better at chasing people away. He went ahead and fucked another girl whilst drunk while I was being an idiot trusting him. Rule #1: Never trust a man again. Ever.

I don't know if I'll leave him or not. I can't really decide yet; I need more time to think. But I can't eat or sleep or do anything but think and picture him and some slut from a bar. It's tearing me up inside and there's nothing I can do about it.

Am I such a bad girlfriend that subconsciously all the men I date run from me, cheat on me? Jesus Christ. It hurts so bad, it's like I can't even breath anymore. The pain is too heavy. What do I do??? I don't know if I can ever trust him again now, any one for that matter. Any time I start to let myself relax and believe in someone, look what happens. I wish I had died. Goodbye.

you were fierce and i turned around and took it all ;

Know what one of the scariest things in the world is, Blog? It's similitude. The connection between two objects or two people that never seemed possible but is there none the less. That is frightening. Repetition. Mistakes. Misconceptions. What can be worst than repeating the most painful yet most beneficial experience in your life? Still worst than that is staring at it heading at you dead on and not sure weither to stand your ground or to run and hide. Similitude, my dear, is deadly. Also, when you are so understanding and knowledgeable about said frightening experience already, if you sit and think about it and begin to cultivate your thoughts on it, you know what the reaction or consequences will be. It's that sinking feeling in your stomach; it's the knowledge you wish you didn't have.

I don't think I can give men what they need or want. It never seems that way. I'm not a very good girlfriend, am I? I thought I was but when all my relationships start to get to the point where I back down and turn into a doormat, I begin to wonder how and why I keep ending back up here. Or maybe I'm just in an apathetic mood and have too much time on my hands. Seems viable, right?

In real news now, I broke my three month work in a minute of lowness on the bathroom floor. Though I did cut maybe with three strokes, I am proud to say I had the will power to stop myself and say no, no more. I can't do this, this isn't me any more. With that I placed down the knife and fixed myself up. That may not seem like a whole lot to you, but that's a big thing for me. I don't stop for anything. The fact that the thought of Fabio and my own feelings about myself stopped me is pretty damn significant. So I know it means something, even if it doesn't seem like it.

The problem with learning to live without cutting is this: Cutting is who I was and what I knew. I don't know how to be okay. I feel like my illnesses define me. So truthfully, I'm a little scared of getting better. Seems rather idiotic, but well.. that's how it is.

Okay so on a lighter note school is going rather well. And work is fantastic. I especially enjoy working with Allie, my twenty year old co worker. She's a doll! She lives uptown so I'm going over to her apartment after work Saturday and we're going to have some drinks and some people over; should be fun.

While the rest of my world is kind of tipsy right now, it helps having some structure back in my days; I crave structure. On a less light note about school, I see Will every-freaking-where and it's super tense every since he sent me this bitchin note on FB. But we just ignore each other, so it's gonna stay like that since he doesn't have the balls to tell me off in person.

Anyway, that's all for now, I just had a little bit of a pet peeve set me off so I'm going to go read or something. Hell's Kitchen is on in twenty minutes anyway :) . Okay, peacee.

she takes her dress off and says is this alright ;

- You do not speak to other men
- You do not make eye contact with other men
- You must act as if everything is alright
- You must be happy all day, every day
- You may not be with other men without me present
- You are expected to do nothing but be at my beck and call
- You must do what I say
- You have no choices when it comes to the bedroom
- You must take what I say without question
- You cannot do anything that I cannot do
- No means yes

WARNING: fragile human being dead ahead
WARNING: confused child huddled in the corner
WARNING: past and future abuser
WARNING: future alcoholic passed out on the floor
WARNING: unstable teenager
WARNING: horrified and deeply terrified individual

DANGER: she needs another drink
DANGER: she's thinking about the blade in her dresser
DANGER: she feels unloved
DANGER: she feels so very alone
DANGER: she cannot stand alone
DANGER: she does not know what she's doing
DANGER: she's losing control
DANGER: she's still carrying scars
DANGER: she's still trapped in memory
DANGER: she can't deal with it alone

im killin time, times killin me ;

If I don't get some sleep and cut down on the sadness asap, I'm jumping on the razor. I'm going out of my mind, I can't sleep or eat or concentrait at all. Maybe I need a good smash in the head. Ugh. I don't have anything to say here except I'm not well and I'm gritting my teeth but losing my will power. Bye.

daddy's with you in your prayers ;

Dear life,

Why do you have this sick compulsion to make my life a rollercoster through hell? Whenever I'm in a good mood, you send on the hurricane. After the last six years I am good and fed up with it, so you can fuck right off.

Go die,
Megan.


I don't believe people get punished for things that they do wrong, or even that things happen for a reason. This world is just one big chaotic ball of crap rolling around the universe trying to fling it's pathetic people from the lands. Everything happens at random. Nothing is meant to be.

I don't have a whole lot to say, I'm a little depressed lately. I am listening to Beatiful by Eminem, one of my favorites by him, it helps a wgole freaking lot. Take a listen and see you later.

you're the only place that feels like home ;

Quite an absence once again, huh? I know, I'm a terrible poster. All in all not a whole lot has happened though aside from the usual. Pregnancy scare is quite over, and all is well in that department. Hmm.. what else?

Oh yes, Fabio and I drove on down to Hali and saw my mom and Natalee last weekend. It was good aside from one minor fight between the couple which set my temper off. Hard to explain, I'm torn between so many emotions and my mom I couldn't tell Fabio why I was mad. It's one of those fragile things that still haunts me and I just can't seem to explain it. He was vexed but there wasn't anyway I could really tell him. Aside from that, I haven't been up to a whole lot. I did get a job though!

Coles Bookstore is now my new employer. I'm not exactly thrilled with having a job again but you have to do what you have to do, right? That's what they tell me anyway. Yesterday was my first day and it wasn't exactly what I expected. I stocked shelves all night with my two co-workers, Allie and Dwayne. They're pretty funny so it was at least an amusing three hours. I got nervous when people started coming up to me and asking questions but, thankfully, I was able to answer most of them.

I guess that's about it in news. Mood wise, I'm rather stable except for the few days I'll forget my pills, but I do try hard to remember. It's just such a hassle everyday and honestly it makes me feel kinda bad. Like I'm abnormal (which I already knew I was but not in this way, anyway). Not the greatest feeling. The score on my depression inventory is down though, from like a twenty nine to a seventeen i think, so it's a nice little jump for me. Means the forty is better than the twenty, by a whole freaking lot, but I think I might need a sixty. I'll have to ask the doctor about that. Not to mention about the bc pills. I would really rather get the four times yearly injection than take those damn pills, what a pain! Anyway, that's it for tonight, gotta get some sleep for work tomorrow. But before I go, here's a few little written pieces (just a note, I actually cried writing that last one.):

A CINQUAIN

"Lover,

Protection and Warmth.

Love, Feel, Smile.

Affection, Safety, Independence, Support.

Home."

A COUPLET

"Lose me not below the swells or on the stormy seas,

Lose me not on high tide or at the sirens tease.

I'm just a boy and I have not breathed for salty air,

Mother will be waiting and be late I shall not dare.

Save me please my weathered friends before I lose my strength,

I cannot swim this ocean for it's mighty length.

To Fiddler's Green my sodden soul will travel,

I can feel my short life beginning to unravel.

Away bright morning you bring no good news,

Mother learns of the son she had to lose.

Never more to rise again,

Lost to Fiddler's Green."

ELEGY

"I see tear filled oceans on muddy lands,

I see your sunken cheeks and your listless eyes that can cry no more,

You are robbed and beaten and defiled.

Your passing is only one of thousands a day,

Your body is dragged through mud then burned.

I often wonder who was with you when you could stand no more,
Were you alone in life and death or were you loved and finally freed?

Who grieved for you and cried and felt a piece of themselves die too?

I can see you in the filth of the streets,

Face down and passed by.

Your rags hang from your bony frame by what looks like threads.

Dirt is caked to your shaved scalp and vermin gnaw at your flesh.

Your fingernails are dark with blood and your hands are bruised and broken.

Your feet lay splayed open,

Swelled and black from work or snow.

I look away;

I cannot fathom this horror.

Yet I must turn back and stare and cry and wonder.

You could not have been much older than I.

A black and white photo of your naked body before the trains stares at me.

You seem to be baring your soul from within your eyes.

You do not understand.

I cannot understand.

Were we so different that you deserved to die?

Am I so different that I must continue living without you?

Perhaps we were the same person.

Did you read, did you love, did you sing?

I read, I love, I sing.

I do not know your name,

But I grieve for you,

I mourn the loss of your precious life.

You and I may have been the best of friends,

We may have been sisters.

We could have shared our love and laughter,

Our hopes and dreams.

I miss you unknown sister,

I remember you,

I love you."

"The girl sat on the edge of her mattress in the dark bedroom. The window beside the bed had the curtains pushed aside and the window pane was pushed up so the night air and city sounds could float in and sing her to sleep as they did most nights. Tonight, however, there was no sleep. Demons floated behind her eyes for only her to see and invisible claws tugged at her heart strings as she sat clutching the cold steel of the kitchen knife in her hand. Tonight was the night; there was nothing left to live for.

In the next room the gentle snores of her family came through the walls. In her mind she knew at a different time this would have unnerved her; made her stop and think about what she was doing. Tonight, though, the room was too black, the air too chilled, her heart too mangled to care anymore. All she could feel was the soothing cold of the steel knife and the cool breeze against her skin. She pressed the jagged teeth of the knife to her thigh and bit her lip, staring down at the already marked up flesh of her leg. The scars had never faded and were now about to be opened up again. Without giving herself any time for though, she dragged the knife hard across her flesh. For a moment it looked as if nothing but a long slit in her thigh was going to materialize. Suddenly a dark crimson bloomed from the wound. A heavy droplet ran down inner thigh to her leg then dripped quietly on to the hardwood floor. A slight sigh of relief was emitted from the girl; however, it was not nearly enough blood and pain to satisfy her.

Twenty more incisions followed the first until all the cuts formed together to make a deep gash extending along the inside of the girls youthful flesh. Heavy globs of dark blood now poured from her leg and pooled in a sick black tinted puddle on the floor. Finally she felt it was enough for the night. All her emotional pain had just been transferred to a manageable physical pain; that was always her solution. With a happy sigh, feeling she had accomplished something that night, she lay back on her bed and shut her eyes, delicate eyelashes brushing her skin as it was bathed in moonlight from the open window. Enough, for tonight anyway."

live to learn ;

Oh blog, why is life so complicated? I stopped taking my Prozac the week before last because I was feeling so good and low and behold I wound up wishing I could cut again this past weekend. The urge was incredible and I was hardly listening to anything but the ringing in my ears for days and days. I didn't even touch a razor though, thanks to Fabio, but I didn't exactly feel right either. My mood kept going from upbeat to temperamental and sobbing over and over. So though I loved being with Fabio on the weekend, my mood wasn't as good as usual. Thankfully he didn't see me in one of my fits though. Ah, one thing I have not spoken of; the cutting fit.

The cutting fit usually consists of screaming, hair tearing, tears, punching, slapping, kicking, and scratching my chest and stomach into shreds. It can usually be predicted when I'm going into one of these fits because my muscles usually begin to ache and my wrists and legs especially begin to turn and stretch; it feels like trying to crack your knuckles and not being able to accomplish it, that nagging feeling. I lose control of my own movement and more often than not I no longer realize what I'm doing. This generally occurs when the urge is as strong as it had been last weekend but I didn't fall into it this time. The first time ever I didn't go into one of those rages when I felt like giving up. So that's good. I'm back on my meds now too, and feel a little better.

In other news, poor Nan isn't doing well :( . This afternoon she got up from a nap and didn't know where she was or what day it was or anything. It broke my heart to look into her confused eyes. When Brenda came home later and asked Nan what happened this afternoon since I was hinting at it, she had to know, poor Nan started to cry. I think that was the first time I've ever seen my Nanny cry. Tears stung at my own eyes as I poured her a glass of water and she explained. It's sad to know her heart conditioning is worsening and she's losing a little more everyday. Heartbreaking to watch.

Aside from Nan and the moodiness I'm not feeling too bad, nor am I content either. I wouldn't say I'm numb or anything though, just kind of.. detached. One thing I always do when I'm not in my right state of mind; detach myself from people and situations. Not saying that's a bad thing though, I prefer this in-between mood to the alternative. Let's hope things look up soon and Nan feels better. Goodbye for now, blog.

you don't wanna fight me ;

Hello again! It's been a week since my last post so I suppose an update is in order. Let's see.. what's happened that I can share? Well let's start work our way from last weekend, shall we? The weekend went well for the most part. Fabio and I broke down and decided to get a hotel Friday night and were pretty much beat from a long day. We didn't arrive until three am, by the way, because we were off enjoying the day doing this and that. Saturday we cruised around for a while, ran into some trouble at the bank because Fabio mistook his own with drawls for someone elses (yes, this did make me pee a little from laughing too hard), we went the the beach, got some drinks, and went out to our usual haunt and started a little campfire. Once again we stupidly forgot bug spray and were attacked mercilessly so we decided to get another hotel. We cruised on over to McDick's then continued on the forty five minute drive to the hotel, arriving late again. Our night was okay and the next day was Sunday so we got ourselves packed up and then drove down home again. He stayed and I cooked supper for us then we simply relaxed for the evening. And thus ended a rather bumpy weekend.

Monday was a holiday so Brenda was home and I mostly stuck around bugging her. That evening my friend Michelle picked me up and we went for dinner at ESM with two friends, Krista and Sarah. After which we went skinny dipping. That was fun up until three jerks rode up on their dirt bikes and wanted us to flash them. They were stealing our clothes, including my digital camera and cell and Michelle's car keys, when I suddenly popped out of the water a short distance, holding my breast mind you, and they got to see as much as if i was wearing a tank top but they dropped our clothes and left, yelling back to us. We ran out of the water and got dressed as we could hear them coming back. They simply passed us hooting as we walked the trail back to the car. Then Sarah, who was driving, dropped Krista off at home. Afterward we pulled into a Timmies to us the rest room. Right before leaving we ran into Kyle and Alex, whom I had never met up until that point. So the five of us went driving in Alex's car, just having fun, going up to Goatman's, and just laughing with the old school tune's blaring. It was a great night.

The following day I went to Alex's house with Michelle. We were just sitting around talking and snacking and Kyle arrived. A few hours after joking around and investigating the stuffed ferret in Alex's basement we called up Alex's friend Andre. We picked him up in Alex's car then all went to Goatman's again, Andre cowering the back screaming about how scary and idiotic it was, and how Alex would be the first to die because he was driving. After that we lost Andre, picked up some lawn lights for something to do, then went hooker watching. They dropped me off around twelve and I promptly fell into a coma until twelve this afternoon. Last night was a blast!

This week has been a lot of fun so far aside from some minor drama and words getting twisted and mixed up by certain people. Anyway, that's what's up in life right now. It's getting kind of late though so I guess I better get to bed. Goodnight :) .

the line that divides me somewhere in my mind ;

It's been a while since I've last posted, hasn't it? Well I'm sorry to say I don't have a whole lot of report. I guess I'll pick up from my last post.

I got over the pity party I was throwing for myself and headed to four O's for a bit. I spent the first three nights in a luxurious king sized hotel room generously provided for by Fabio. Needless to say this was a very well spent weekend, on both parts. The bed and shower was also put to good use. Afterward I spent three days at my bother Bill's house outside of town where he lives with his girlfriend, Kenzie. I found this immensely amusing and a very good time. We watched movies, played Scrabble, and fed the raccoons that live in his backyard! There's a mother and three babies, I had a great time fooling around with them. After this I spent the rest of the week with my friend Shannon out in the boonies. This went well aside from her constant attitude problem with her parents, leaving me stuck in the middle of them. I had to make a trip to the local hospital, though, because my throat infection had returned. I was given antibiotics and it cleared up fairly quickly. After Shannon's I was back with Fabio, living in his car for the weekend. It's not quite as bad as it sounds though. I semi ruined things though as I had a cry session in the car after Ice Age Three. Going in we had seen the Canadian flag at half mast. I've known a lot of men who've gone over seas, sadly most of them did not come home. A sinking feeling began to grow in the pit of my stomach. This was precisely why I never wanted to get involved with anyone in the military. The "what if it was.." scenario began to play out. So by the end of the movie I was all tears and sentiments. Needless to say, I made an ass of myself. I couldn't even quite explain to Fabio why it upset me so. I don't think it's something you can really explain, it's something you have to feel. I wouldn't be able to make him understand no matter how hard I tried. How is it I managed to find myself falling so hard for him so fast anyway? I'm usually as guarded as anything.. Strange. He's special though, he's more than any of the other assholes I was with, maybe that's why. All of a sudden I can't picture life without him.. I love that crazy boy.

So anyway, after this I returned home. Things here have been okay but there's a lot of money stress and my parents have taken to ignoring me again. Fan-freaking-tastic. Aside from that, I do have one minor incident to report; a single blemish on my feelings the past two weeks or more. I shall not mention names in case a certain someone should come across this and lose his/her temper, but I received a "Interested" on Are You Interested on Facebook. Yes, this seems very minor indeed and a trifle matter but it meant something to me because it was from one of the ex's. One that I had remained best friends with until one fight over some expensive jewelry he failed to return to me. Anyway, it gave me a mild cardiac arrest and I may have forgotten to breath for a few seconds. That's the last thing in the world I needed to see. I promptly shut Facebook. No, I'm not "interested" in him still. I did not, however, want to know he's still interested in me. The hurt there was too intense and complicated, I'd rather just completely forget that chapter of life.

So this is what has been going on in my life lately. Not overly interesting, but a nice break from the usual chaos. Just thought I'd write a positive post for a change, I'm not all negativity. I'm off for the night though, peacee.

can't be your superman ;

"Her eyes were upturned, focusing on the stars and trying to put together the few constellations she knew. Tears poured silently from the corners as she tried to gulp down a few breaths of air in between thrusts. Her lips were forcibly parted and her teeth strained at the gums, begging to bite down on the object slithering between her lips. The only sound beside his grunting and inaudible mutterings was the sputtering breath of the girl on her knees. He let out a pleased moan and leaned back against the alley wall, his hands clutching at the ringlets of the whore in front of him. She squeezed her eyes shut as he plunged deeper and her lack of air became even more severe. She began to cough violently and gag, trying desperately to pull him from her mouth; it was useless. He pushed himself deeper as she moaned in pain and tried to pull away. This only won her less air and tighter grips from the fists that had her hair. With her eyes rolling in their sockets, she watched the stars, the alley wall, and his smiling face begin to spin and mold together. Finally, a mouthful of shame rocketed down her throat just before the breaking point. He released her and she fell back, the world still spinning. He grinned and pulled up his briefs, his jeans. With a smug grin, a flash of perfect white teeth in the dark city night, he dropped a twenty on the coughing woman in the dirt. She clutched at it and shook her head, pushing herself up as he walked away. Another day, another dollar."

"She awoke a few minutes before the alarm clock was due to go off. She offered the face of the clock a small smile before rolling over on to her side to peer into the sleeping face of her husband. His eyelids flickered in his sleep and he gave a light sigh. She ran a hand through his dark hair and caressed his cheek as he slept. The smell of last night's love making hung fragrantly in the air. This also made her smile. They were hardly newly weds anymore and there had been the occasional dry spell but last night the vigor had been reawakened; it had been perfect. How long since he had touched her, wanted her, loved her. His eyes opened slowly and smiled back at the face of his wife. He watched the sunlight gently stroke her cheek and brighten her emerald eyes. Suddenly, the alarm clock wailed on the night stand. He gave one last smile then rose from the bed quickly. Within twenty minutes he walked out the front door, his black Lexus car from work idling at the curb. He opened the back door and entered the spacious car as he did every morning, clean shaven and smelling of Old Spice. His assistant smiled brightly at him as he slid next to her. As the car sped away from the house toward the office, he gently slid his hand dangerously high up her thigh and lowered his lips to her delicate neck. His wife lay naked in their bed at home, still smiling from the intimate night with the man she loved. The dance continued."

"She shrieked in pain, begging him to stop, as he shoved the bottle deeper inside of her. It was too far, too far. He groaned with pleasure and drove the neck of the champagne bottle deeper inside her. There was a loud rip followed by a sharp snap. She froze, wide eyed, every muscle of her body tensed. He was alarmed by the sudden noise and withdrew the bottle quickly; it was broken from the neck down. Blood began to pour from between her legs as if a dam had broken. Her body remained tensed as she curled up instinctively and screamed. He stared, dumb founded. Within minutes there was a pool of blood on the cement floor. He bit his lip and paced, slowly pulling on his clothes, glancing down at her as she continued to howl like the wounded animal. Gradually her screams and sobs were quieting; she was losing color. He finally made up his mind. Within seconds he was out the broken window of the tiny decrypted house and on his way back to town. He left her there, where she continued to sob and bleed. The world around her was getting blacker, the angles of the room were less defined. She was slipping away, silently, on the cold floor of the slum in the early morning hours of a hot July night. By morning she'd be just another body. A cold sweat began to ooze from every pore as she realized she was going to die here, alone. She was no one worth remembering, no one worth saving. She began to wail again as this realization slapped her in the face. Alone on the concrete, her body almost floating in the sea of blood draining from her body. She cried long and hard until her terrified cries winded down again into small gulping noises. The iron stench of her own blood and panicked sweat reached her nostrils. For the first time in years she prayed to God, prayed for a way out, for a savior. He left her swimming in her own shame, naked on the unforgiving floor."

i think of you from time to time ;

Ever get so stuck in memory you can't escape? Ever have one of those nights you can't sleep because you dream that the same shit is happening to you again, with someone new you let in? Isn't it terrifying? I hate that scenario, which is why I'm posting today. I'm stuck there again and I'm fighting to break out of it.

I hate days like this. Some days I just get so upset that I can't move on that I wish my March attempt had worked. How can I live my whole life like this? Is it going to get better? Am I always going to have to drug myself up to feel remotely normal? I hate all these questions. The worst part is that no one can possibly answer them. It's going to be a long night; I've been struggling to breath and keep my cool all day. My fingers are itching for a razor but I'm fighting back this time. But I'm coming a little undone tonight. Entering week four of being cut free. Let's hope it starts getting a little easier.

The things I keep thinking about are mostly my past relationships. The lies, the underminding, the neglect, the abuse. I think about all the time I've spent alone while my parents went at each other. I hate being alone. I feel like I've been living like this pretty much all my life. My life's so screwed up. And it's like I'm running out of places to run. I should be a track star the way I run from people and places; I'm always running. It's easier than getting hurt. But now I'm tired of running too. My options seem to be slimming.

All in all, this has been a really down day for me. It's hard to stay focused and relaxed. I need a friend right now and there's no one to go to at the moment. I can't be left alone or I might cave, which is usually how it happens, but there's no one here. It's hard to relax when you're as high strung as I've become. Anyway, more later, I'm going to try to do something else. My thoughts aren't even running in sync tonight, obviously.. Night.

there is no need to shout ;

Well it's Sunday night, the semi-horrible weekend is over. I had a run in with Michelle (as expected) in which I was once again deemed the troublesom, spoiled brat, cold, and uncaring child. This is not new news in that household since I left; I've been permenately branded, it seems. Anyhow, we started going at it in the kitchen with her hurling words like stones against my skin and I, of course, started bawling. She's the only human being on earth that can reduce me to tears with words. Obviously, she's not of this planet. So there I am, crying against the fridge while she just stares in disgust. Finally, I threw up the white flag. I apologized for all the things she said I was doing and lied once again, telling her I wanted to be friends (over my cold dead body). She started crying too and hugged me. Needless to say, this only made me cry harder.

Aside from that, my weekend was very good. I went to the movies, saw a couple friends, and spent my free time with Fabio, which is always a pleasure. Though he's four years older than me, the age difference isn't a problem on every level I've seen so far. Aside from my blubbering and bi-polar side, which I'm sure freaks him out, things are good between us. Though I have to admit that even though he told me I should call as soon as I get the urge to cut or just feel down like that, I can't bring myself to do it. It's a hard thing to deal with and, quite frankly, I'm scared he won't be able to. That was a major issue with Justin, being from a good background as he is. It wasn't an issue at all with William because we came from similiar households; financial issues, step parents, tempers, siblings, etc. I'm not sure how Fabio will feel once he gets used to me having those off days. I'm afraid to tell him when I am because I don't want to scare the poor boy off! Oh well, I guess sooner or later he'll have to see it though, right?

Speaking of dealing with my melt downs, let's flash back to Friday for a second. Fabio called repeatedly while I was sitting on the wooden bench in the backyard trying to read so I could distract myself. I knew I couldn't answer or I would just let loose the flood of tears I was just barely holding under control. I wanted to talk to him but I knew I couldn't over the phone. So, twenty minutes and about ten phone calls later, he shows up at my door. I can't describe how much that meant to me. Usually I just shut down when I feel like it and I'm totally ignored because everyone assumes I'm just angry or something. I get left alone to stew. He's the first person to show the concern and take the time out of his day to come make sure I was okay. Well that just brought on a whole new wave of tears! It felt great :) . We sat in his car in the school parking lot, barely speaking but getting all the comfort I needed and more. I didn't need to say anything. I just lay there with my head on his chest and my eyes closed and he calmed me down within minutes. Must be a magic touch, because no one else can ever do that. I was pretty amazed. I felt fantastic and well loved. It's such a good feeling for a change.

Well, I spent last night sleeping in Fabio's car and didn't manage to get much sleep (the poor boy sleep talks and got up to have a conversation with me at 330am) so I'm pretty much wiped. Hm.. it's only 9:40pm. Kind of sad, hehe. So good night and I'll post an update soon as I get a little R+R. Sweet dreams!

all these things i try to hide ;

So, here comes my very first post. I've been free from cutting for the past two or three weeks and today has been a horrible day. So instead of cutting I decided to take some advice and try to vent my frustrations via blog. I guess I'll start with a brief history so you can better understand where I'm coming from.

At twelve years old I moved into a new home with my father, mother, and two older brothers. My parents were constantly at each other's throats but tried to play it off as nothing. Unfortunately for them, I picked up on more than they thought. All the screaming and money problems that popped up because of my mom's secret gambling addiction was very stressful and and began to realize I was experienceing depression. I kept these realizations to myself. I experimented with cutting but had no real interest in it just then. I reached a point where I actually bashed my head with a hammer then covered it all up so no one could see. I guess you could say that was my first run in with suicide. A few years later when I was fifteen my parents finally divorced. This was hardly a surprise. The real surprise was that my mom declared herself a lesbian and that was the real reason for the divorce. I wasn't really upset, I thought it would be best for both my parents and possibly the whole family. By this time my two brothers had moved out.

I lived with my dad at our nice little country home for a few months until he suddenly brought up the subject of his girlfriend. He didn't mention how long they had been dating. I automatically assumed he had probably sought out from her what he wasn't getting from my mom in the final months before the divorce. I was edgy, of course, but reluctantly agreed to meet her. We met and I was pleasently surprised. She seemed nice enough and eager to please. About two months later Michelle and her three children moved from Cali to Canada and into my dad's house. I took an immediate dislike to the children, who looked for any excuse to get me in trouble with Michelle. In September, about two or three months after moving in and my leaving my fathers house to live with my mother, Michelle and my dad got married. It was excruciating.

My mother's first girlfriend Sherry, who I also suspected she had been seeing during the marriage, was a real nut job. This poor woman chain smoked like there was no tomorrow and was constantly making racial or inappropriate slurs. And she always stunk, which was off putting all on it's own. Sherry controlled my compassionate mom and turned her against me slowly until September when I pounced on my mom, accusing her of all she'd been doing wrong, and all that Sherry was doing wrong to her. My mom asked Sherry to move out. Sherry procceeded to tell me that my bi-polar and depressed mother was going to kill herself now and it was my own damn fault. This still haunts me today, I never expect my mom to return any time she leaves the house; it's a horrible haunting thought. I began to cut frequently soon after this incident.

By this time I was in my first serious relationship. My boyfriend, William, was very supportive. Our relationship lasted one year and seven months. The year was great, the months following it were hell. Sexual abuse was frequent and I also knew he had been cheating on me. At this point I had begun to develop a fear of abandonment and so I said nothing. I just tried to do everything right. In the end he left me for her, and I turned back to cutting. I cut everyday, up to ten times a day. I did it on my thigh so no one would know. I'd cut huge slices then slip on a dress or jeans and go sit with my family, thinking to myself how funny it was that I could have cut an arterie and there I sat bleeding while they looked on, oblivious. Half of me was realizing I was sick, the other half didn't give a damn. It was my body, I believed I deserved every ounce of pain. If I bled, then I was human, not what they made me.

By this time I had moved to the city an hour away from my former home. My mother came with me and we got an apartment where we could barely afford the rent and were barely scraping by. My mother left every weekend to go to NS to see her new girlfriend and left me alone, usually with no food in the fridge. I turned sixteen.

Three weeks after the break up I met another guy, Justin. He was the opposite of every single man I had ever met. I had never fallen so quickly for an individual, I was so swept up in him I could hardly believe it. We had something good for about two months before I discovered he's a pathalogical liar. He lied to me about absolutely everything and expected me to go along with it. After the shit I had endured with William, he was in for a surprise. By our sixth month we were both miserable, I found myself crying constantly. Then came my second suicide attempt. My mom wasn't at home, as usual, and I downed any pills I could find on the bath room shelf. I lay on the floor crying bitterly, a suicide note beside my leg, still dressed in the fancy night gown I had bought for our six month anniversary, which he had ditched me for to go get drunk during the day. Classy, right? Anyway, I lay waiting for it all to end. It didn't. I don't know how or why, but nothing happened. I was alive and well. Okay, alive, at least. I was disappointed. On some level, I still am. A month later I was rushed to the hospital after slicing my wrists open at school with a piece of metal in the bathroom during a break down. This occured three weeks after our break up.; we had dated for several months. I had let him fully in and in a lot of ways he hurt me more than any physical pain William dealt me. I knew how to deal with the physical, the emotional was the real drag. I still have trouble coping.

Now here I am, July 10, 2009, still raging war with myself. I want out of this misery. I'm at a loss. The Prozac works some days, other days I'm back with my fifteen year old self on the edge of my bed with the kitchen knife. I have constant daymares and find myself thinking sick things and tracing over the scars on my wrists. I live with my nan, who I am extremely close with and who has congestive heart failure (she's 86), and my aunt, which whom I am also extremely close. My dad resides in the same small town we were in for so long with his wife and kids. My mom has recently left me to go live in NS with her girlfriend of failing health. I have not cut in three weeks. Let's hope it stays that way. Oh, and I'm also seeing a new guy, Fabio, who is four years my senior and much more stable. Let's see how this pans out. I hope it turns out better than my previous picks. I think the age difference might be a plus, and he's just a fun guy to be with, I really care about him. I fall hard, so let's hope I don't lose my head this time ;) !